I Regret Everything but You
by Paul1984
Summary: AU LP fic set five years after s5: What would have happened if Lucas had married Lindsey? Would both he and Peyton be eventually doomed to misery? Lucas has retrained as a therapist and Peyton is left beaten up by life when they eventually re-collide.
1. Chapter 1: My Weakness is My Fear

A/N: This is going to be my first longer LP story. I know it starts off kind of dark in tone, but it'll brighten up at times as it goes, I promise. I do love my angst and drama though. I'm kind of trying to improve my writing at the moment, so while reviews aren't essential they're always very welcome and they'll probably excite me and motivate me to update sooner. Anyway enjoy :).

**Chapter 1: My Weakness is My Fear**

There's certain moments in your life when you're never quite sure what in the world is going on, or quite what the universe is up to. It can seem like either things are just against you, or perhaps somebody is just messing with you, like some playing piece in a game of monopoly. Today was one of those days for Lucas Scott.

He had come into work exhausted from another restless night, unable to sleep and turning from one side of the bed to the next, searching for any comfort he could find. Sleep seemed like an impossible dream that that he could almost touch, but would never quite attain. Sat at his desk preparing for the day ahead, he had rubbed his eyes hoping to feel any sense of awareness. The thought of his espresso was all that sustained him and gave him a belief that he would make it through the day.

The life Lucas had once pictured for himself was not this, not the nine to five sat behind a desk, feeling like his life's dreams had passed him by. He liked his job, but it was so much short of what he had once thought the world might have to offer and every day that passed, he felt his sense of optimism drain away just that little bit further. Still after the events of the past few years, any sense of contentment or of taking joy in simple pleasures could seem a relief. Life had always been so complicated and for just once, he prayed for things to stay on an even keel, but it seemed like today that would obviously be too much to ask.

It seemed the universe was having one of its days where it found amusement in toying with him. When he had buzzed his secretary to have her show in his nine o'clock appointment, he had been stunned to see the person now stood before him. Five years had passed and still the very sight of her made his heartbeat seem to quicken, nothing had changed. Lucas still found himself unable to stop from quickly scanning her long shapely legs, before almost losing himself in those deep green eyes of hers, eyes that he still knew every detail of and could still point out the tiny flecks of brown in. Her blonde hair now darker and straighter than he remembered seemed to reflect the distressed look on her face. He considered her stood there and wondered why. Why would the world torture him like this again and why would she be his nine o'clock? It didn't make any sense.

That day five years ago, the day he married Lindsey, Peyton left town and never returned. Not Brooke, Haley, Nathan, or anyone else in Tree Hill had heard from her since that day. It was like she had simply ceased to exist and it was that day he traced the path of his life back to and wondered where it had all gone wrong.

The first year of marriage to Lindsey had brought nothing but wedded bliss, but gradually as the honeymoon period faded, it seemed like all they would do is talk about work. The book he had written and had so long denied could ever be about Peyton, had been a failure. Lindsey blamed him for his denials and they both knew that a story about a scientist looking for a comet would not catch the public's attention. People wanted to hope for something more, they wanted meaning and desires, and the chance to dream. For so long he had denied himself that and Lucas knew now he had paid the price.

The words simply would not come to him after that, everything had been locked away and as any hope of a literary career faded, the bitterness started to grow. He could find no happiness in the simple things and there was a piece missing from his life, a piece he had never dared admit he had come to need, just to function normally. Lindsey would never let that go, every day Peyton's name was brought up and every day he had denied it until finally he had snapped. One night he had cleared out some old things and came across that old box, the one he had always hidden so well from everyone, the one he dared not let anyone see. Opening it he recaptured just a few of those old memories and felt his first genuine smile appear, for what had seemed like years.

That night he finally opened his laptop and found words were there again, they were all there just waiting to be written. All he had to do was start typing, but something stopped him and he knew what he had felt was guilt, a guilt for betraying Lindsey in some way. It would be the night he found himself unable to say much of anything to her, but would manage to end his marriage with one simple word. Lindsey returned home a day early and found the box on their kitchen table, its contents spilled out everywhere. The rest seemed like a blur as she had screamed at him for not loving her enough; the only things he now remembered were her shouting and his one word answer.

"I find you with your laptop open and you're going to write again, you never could, but one look at her and it's all there right in front of you." Her voice was strained in anguish as tears ran freely down her cheeks and Lucas had no reply.

"I can't believe you kept that stuff, I know what she meant to you, but you have to let it go, we're married. I'm supposed to be the person you keep a box of things for." Lindsey's voice trailed off before she asked that final question that stuck with him so vividly.

"Can you ever see yourself keeping a box like that for me?" She sat down beside him on the bed and patiently awaited his answer. It was an answer he still could not believe he had uttered, something that he did not even want to say, yet there was such a subconscious truth to it that it slipped before he could stop himself.

"No." It was the word almost inaudibly spoken that brought his marriage crashing down. Lindsey walked out silently and after that he had just followed the paths blindly through his life.

First it was divorce and then it was a career change. It had seemed like all through his life he had solved everyone else's problems and he was good at it. He could solve anyone's problems, but not his own. With that in mind he had trained as a therapist and now here he was, sat in an office, finding the reality of hearing everyone complain was a grinding boredom. All he had managed to achieve was to make his lack of ability so fix his own life more evident.

The beautiful blonde stood before him represented a curve ball, the risk of more agony and yet he found that he stood up smiling, preparing to greet her, knowing that she could not truly be his nine o'clock.

* * *

Peyton cursed life for doing this to her, for bringing her to this office and putting Lucas Scott in front of her. Surely it was a cruel engineered game in the twisted maze that represented her life. So long the running away had continued and the sense of numbness she felt along with that brought her an ability to function. Those intense blue eyes and his smile always seemed to crack her will instantly, but there was no way that could be allowed any longer. Survival had its price and so far it had been avoiding everyone in her past.

Of any therapist she could have, it had to be him; someone that it shocked her to even believe was a therapist, let alone hers. When Peyton had picked up her orders to come here three times a week, she did not even look at the name of the person she would be seeing. It would just be another nameless face that thought they understood her problems, thought that they could fix her like some banged up old chevy. Peyton knew there would be no way for this to work and hopefully she could leave unscathed before asking for a different therapist.

Leaving Tree Hill had taken her to career highs she had never dreamed of, but it was all empty. Every memory was another that she could no longer share with the people she cared about and yet she counted that a blessing. Thinking of that town now was too hard, everything always came back to Lucas in some way, even that last soft touch of his lips on hers, a vivid memory that she could not shift.

LA and then New York had beckoned as Peyton opened new offices, signed new bands and toured around the world to her hearts content and yet nothing could bring a genuine smile for her any longer. No man who tried was ever enough and some of the men who wanted to try had made her flinch. One such man tried far too hard and it was a night she could never quite scrape out from her memory. It was a feeling that made her feel like a lobotomy would be worth the chance to forget.

Pushing her against the wall of a club's back room, he would not let her resist, twice she had tried to say no and push him off, but the look in his eyes told her he would not be denied. Furiously she had kicked out, tried to bite or punch him, but so drunkenly rampaging was he that nothing seemed to work. He covered her mouth and seemed to take even more delight in the fact she was fighting. Panicking with every last bit of resistance, she reached out feeling for anything within her grasp, praying for anything that would help stop this surreal madness. Feeling her fingers clutch to something, she grabbed for it and swung it at his head. It seemed instantly it was over, the sound of a loud crack seemed to echo round the room as he dropped to floor. The blood ran from his head as he went limp. Peyton knew instantly she had killed him and panicking at that moment had made what she had thought of self pityingly as an empty life, seem like a dream compared to what she would later experience. The marble ash tray dropped from her hands, as she looked at them now covered in blood.

Running away she had left him, only for the body to be left undiscovered for ten days, just long enough to leave her looking guilty. They could not prove the rape, but they could prove her assault. Forced to plead guilty, she had taken her manslaughter charge and experienced three years of pure hell. Prison movies she had thought always dramatised things, but as the days of fear clocked up, Peyton now felt they had grossly under exaggerated. Not a day went by without fear of knives, drug carrying or physical abuse. It really was her idea of hell and left her dying to experience even the very worst of her bad days, before being stuck in there. The day of her release she had cried so long she could barely walk out, no one had talked to her, or at least really talked to her in that time and she was determined they would never see her like that. Peyton Sawyer had killed someone and she felt nothing but a sense of worthless shame.

Standing here now in the knowledge that Lucas would have her file, and could read what she had done, was horrific. She couldn't possibly make him understand and it took her all her willpower to stop from running out of the room. Even now, something in those eyes of his and that smile held her here, as if momentarily frozen.

"Peyton" Lucas said, sounding confused and interrupting her momentary stunned trance. "What are you doing here? It's…It's nice to see you but I have a nine o'clock."

He hadn't read her file yet. Peyton was feeling shaky and confused, almost unable to move. How could she possibly explain to him what had happened? Nobody would ever believe her; forever she would be the girl who killed someone. Unable to speak or even fashion any kind of response she turned her back.

* * *

"Peyton?" He felt mystified repeating himself and receiving no response.

Lucas was deeply confused and he knew she must be severely hurting over something. What could bring her here though after five years and why would she come to him now after all this time? All of this troubled him, but he knew what he felt he should do, the feeling that automatically came at moments like these. Slowly he walked up to her, gently placing his hands on her to get her attention. A hug was something maybe they could both use right now, and Peyton certainly needed one. It brought back so many memories that he almost hesitated, but he felt this moment had to be more important than anything else they had going on.

"Don't touch me." Peyton suddenly yelled as she suddenly jumped back away from him. She pushed her head down into her own chest to stare at the floor.

"Peyton I…what's wrong. I just." He didn't know what to say, this was all too strange and something weird was definitely going on here. "Why are you here?" It was the only question he had left.

"Apparently I'm here to see you" she snapped "as if life hasn't quite enjoyed torturing me enough yet."

Lucas looked back at his desk to the files he had not yet had time to read and wondered at what had brought her here. Fearfully he looked through the new case files he had been provided with and found the one he was still shocked to see labelled Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer. Opening it up he looked on in horror at the details that were most obvious. It could not be true, she had killed someone, but she wouldn't. She couldn't. Peyton was still the greatest person he knew.

Looking up he noticed she had turned her back again, almost hiding in fear of what he would discover.

"Peyton how…what…You can't have. It has to be some kind of mistake" Every sentence in his head was a jumbled mess as he stuttered through what he wanted to say. "You pleaded guilty to manslaughter. Why?"

"I killed him Lucas, that's why. That's all anybody cares about. He's dead and it's my fault." Her voice was still approaching a shout and it hurt him to see her like this. Even during the bad times he had always been able to do something, but standing here now he felt powerless.

"It can't be that simple." Lucas said almost breathlessly in disbelief. "Please just talk to me. Tell me what happened."

Her next words were spoken so softly he almost struggled to hear them. "I was raped ok, I was raped and they didn't care. All they cared about was that the guy was dead and I did it. I just wanna go back, just let me go back. Let me take it all back."

Lucas could hear her sobs and all he could do was stand frozen. So much time had passed and too much had happened. Seeing her like this was an experience that hurt him more than anything he had seen in the past five years, all he wanted to do was help and he knew in these situations it could be impossible. His training told him to take a step back. She would need somebody else to talk to and somebody that could impartially help her through this.

* * *

It was the first time she had ever uttered those words. There was a freedom to letting them out and telling someone, but now she wished she could have just kept her mouth shut. Lucas was stood behind her and it would now be pity he was feeling, not a genuine care for her, but the pity people felt whenever someone confessed a tragic event. So badly Peyton had wanted to accept his hug and yet she had flinched back from it, as she had from any man since that day. That touch, that force and that lack of power to fight, even for that few seconds she had been violated still stung. The prison had only made her more cautious of human contact and she had allowed no one to touch her in years.

Turning around she saw the tears in Lucas' eyes. The sight hit her hard; it was the first sense of genuine human compassion she had felt since leaving Tree Hill. He always had that affect on her and it stirred so many memories. There was no pity in him and no contempt, only the warmth she had always felt from him every day they had spent together.

Looking into his eyes, she felt herself willing him to act next, to know what to do and somehow take this pain away. Something had to make it go away; something had to give her hope for a singular better moment than the ones of the past three years.

* * *

When Peyton had turned around, the look he had felt from her called to him. Lucas knew what he wanted now, wanted for both of them and had wanted for longer than he could have known. It was unprofessional and went against everything he had been taught about therapy. She had flinched back from him before, but the look they now shared felt different, a shift had occurred. It was a look they always shared, an unspoken promise to each other they had always had that help would always be there when they needed it.

Slowly he approached her, not wanting to startle her still shaken form. Even now in these times, he noticed how impossibly beautiful she was, marvelling at the idiocy of the rest of the world's inability to see the person she was. Drawing ever closer time seemed to slow, as he opened his arms.

* * *

Time felt at a standstill as she saw him approach and it left her in a daze of unreality. Suddenly the ground beneath her feet seemed to shift as she awoke to the reality of Lucas' arms wrapped so tightly around her. Peyton felt momentarily claustrophobic and wanted to escape, but let it pass as she felt the comfort and warmth of his embrace. At first unable to respond, she now wrapped her arms as tightly around him as she could manage and never wanted to let go. She buried her head gently into his shoulder unable to stop herself sobbing, feeling at once pure despair and pure joy at the only person's touch she had ever wanted to feel since that awful day.

"It's gonna be ok Peyton." Lucas whispered gently. "We'll figure this out, it's gonna be ok."


	2. Chapter 2: Remnants of Dying Laughter

A/N: This chapter might be favourable for PH fans as well as LP fans. I do love some PH, although the rest of the TH crowd are sure to make appearances eventually, right now I'm mainly just building up the groundwork for LP. I'm kinda excited to write at the moment, so this update is coming quicker than most. I won't always have a chapter in me ever day or two, but I will try to be as quick as possible. Anyway I promised reviews would get you quick updates and here it is. Reviews aren't essential, but they sure do help to motivate me to keep going. If that makes me a review whore then sue me lol. Anyway I'm rambling, hope you enjoy the chapter.

**Chapter 2: ****Remnants of Dying Laughter, Echoes of Silent Cries**

Lucas found himself staring at the TV, unable to take his mind off his latest problems, tomorrow he would see Peyton again and as of yet he had no idea how to help her. It seemed that no amount of training had prepared him for seeing someone so close, be so closed off. Peyton had never been the open type, but she had always found some way to open up to him. That now all seemed to have had changed. The first three sessions had passed by and so far he had barely got her to accept a cup of coffee, while she counted down the seconds on the clock. The tension was unbearable, she was right in front of him and it seemed like they were further apart than ever. Maybe he was too close, maybe she would need someone else, but Lucas felt that if anyone could get through to her, it had to be him. Picking up the phone, he called the only person he knew might be able to clear his head.

He had already talked to her about Peyton once, but all she had managed to do that day was reel in the shock and horror of the situation, telling him to be supportive. Tonight he prayed she had some better answers and something he could use tomorrow. Lucas knew Peyton could beat this; he just had to find a way to help.

The answer came brighter and louder than ever, forcing him to take the receiver momentarily away from his ear. "Hello." Haley almost yelled. "Stop that Jamie, put that down."

"Hales?" He said bemused.

"Oh hey Luke, sorry about that. Nathan bought Jamie some new toys and he's busy torturing us with them." She laughed and Lucas found it brought a smile to his face knowing she was happy. Both she and Nathan deserved that more than anyone else he knew.

"If this is a bad time I can call back, I just wanted your advice." He said, suddenly sounding serious.

"No no it's fine. I'm always here for that, you know it." Haley still sounded so bright and Lucas felt it was a bad time to bring down her mood, but he knew this was advice he desperately needed.

"My next appointment with Peyton is tomorrow. So far she hasn't said a word since our first meeting."

"Sometimes Luke you just have to be patient. I'm sure she'll talk when she's ready." Haley said sympathetically.

"What if she doesn't though? I've never seen her like this. She won't say a word, sometimes it's like I'm not even there." He tried to keep the strain from his own voice, but the agony of thinking of her that way, brought something out in him he had never been able to contain.

"Like I said you have to be patient, you can't force her to talk. You can't know what it's like Lucas. For a girl to be raped and then treated the way she has, some people never get over it and if you push her you'll only make it worse." Her tone was now more forceful, pressing her point. "Maybe you're just too close." She finished.

"Maybe I am, but I have to try, that first time in my office, I thought we had a breakthrough. I know we can have that again." He knew he was trying to convince himself of that as much as anything, but he still felt there was a chance and with any chance left, he would never give up.

"Well whatever you did then, just keep doing that and don't panic. I know how you get about her." Those last words seemed to haunt him, just as the past five years had.

"What are you saying Haley?" He asked solemnly.

A shriek then seemed to burst from nowhere "Ahhhh! Jamie! Mommy's so gonna go get you, Yeah you better run." She yelled brightly and now it was Lucas' turn to laugh. "Gotta go Luke, good luck."

"Bye Hales." He said softly, shaking his head and imagining the fun his young nephew was having with his brother and sister in law.

* * *

Peyton could feel those intense eyes alternating between staring at her and watching the clock. Six sessions had now passed and still she could not muster a word. Lucas now had seemingly given up trying, or was trying to engage her in some battle of wills. Whatever his plan was, it wouldn't work; it was not that like she didn't want to talk, it was that the words just weren't there when she wanted them. Too much had happened; she didn't want to talk to anyone and least of all Lucas Scott, with his perfect wife and perfect little office.

Headaches had been frequent of late; it seemed the pressure just built in her head as the past events flew at her from every turn. The harder she tried to forget, the more prominent the reminders were. Now as she tried to block everything out, still with those blue eyes seemingly staring her down, the ticking of the clock seemed to grow louder with every second. "Tick" she heard and felt her head straining. "Tock" came next and the volume seemed to be pressing every inch of her brain against her skull. "Tick" The sound of clock seemed to crash and Peyton could stand it no longer.

"This isn't friggin Good Will Hunting you know." She yelled, so irritated at Lucas' tactics and his games.

"What?" He answered in surprise, completely bewildered by her statement.

"Oh come on Luke we watched that movie. He sits there counting the seconds until one of them breaks and it's this genius plan, so eventually Will snaps and they start talking. Well I've had enough of this crap. I'm not going to talk."

"Well what are you doing now then?" Lucas asked calmly. He seemed so clever sitting there all smug that he'd seemingly won.

"Well we're not talking. I'm yelling you smug son of a bitch. It's so easy for you isn't it?" Finally she was out of breath, there was nothing left for her to say and she regretted her words instantly.

"You really think this is easy for me Peyton? I'm just trying to be patient, there's no games going on. I just can't help you, if you won't talk to me." His voice was now pleading and reached out to her, but she couldn't. How could he possibly understand after all this time?

Lucas seemed to take a deep breath and compose himself. "I know I can't understand exactly what you've been through, but I'm trying and I know I can help, if you're willing to let me. You always used to let me." Those words stung and it really was Lucas that used to help her through the roughest of times, but 5 years ago when she had needed him, he had pushed her away like any discarded old girlfriend, that feeling of wanting him there had vanished.

"You lost that right Lucas, you lost it the day you kissed me and proposed to her. How could you understand what things are like now? You've got your perfect cosy little life and your wife waiting at home. I've got nothing, less than nothing, because I can't even get myself to feel anything but pain anymore." She hated that the tears had started again, so hard she had promised herself not to be vulnerable like this, not in front of him.

"Then why did you come back here Peyton, why did you come back to see me when you could have asked for someone else?" Lucas now sounded bitter and that only made her feel worse.

"I…don't know. Clearly it was a mistake." Grabbing her things she headed for the door as quickly as possible, struggling to breathe in the now claustrophobic confines of his office.

* * *

The situation was desperate, he knew he should have followed Haley's advice and taken whatever Peyton had thrown at him. Seeing her like this just hurt too much and maybe she was right. It was a mistake to think he could help someone this way when they were so close. The harsh reality was that he was no longer that guy who could help her through anything and perhaps it had been naïve to expect that he could be. He hadn't been that guy for her in a really long time, much as he had longed for it every day she had been away.

Her words about his life had hurt and he wanted to let her in. Maybe he needed to if he wanted her trust him again, but he wasn't ready. How could he admit to her that the sheer memory of her had been enough to end his marriage? How could he put that on her again and tell her the moment she had entered her office had been the first time he had truly smiled in years? It was all too much for right now, it had to wait.

The memory that had haunted him in recent times resurfaced. He always thought it had been the failed proposal that had hurt worst, or when she had told him his words in his book had meant nothing. Those memories hurt, but they weren't the ones that made his chest feel tight at night. It was that one day in the gym, the last real conversation they had before the wedding.

"Sure I do. It was a great story to be a part of, but it also took place a long time ago." He has said softly, thinking he knew what was best and that both he and Peyton would be happiest this way.

"I know. I didn't come here to rehash the past. I was reminded today in a roundabout way that the most perfect act of love is sacrifice. It's what Keith did for Karen; burying his feelings for her for all those years so he could be a good friend. I love you Lucas. And I think I have since the first moment we locked eyes and it is going to suck but if what you want is for me to let go then I'm gonna do it. Be happy Luke. I want that with all my heart."

Peyton's voice had shaken in her delivery and his heart ached to tell her he didn't want to wait any longer. The tears were starting to flood his eyes, but he had held them back. He listened completely dumbstruck by what he was hearing, unwilling to accept that her love could be at the same level as his. The day she had refused the proposal, his heart had locked itself to her and when she had let go, he still had been shocked to hear it. He still felt the tingle of that last kiss on his hand to this day and he had stood unable to respond. Letting her walk away that day, Lucas now counted as the biggest mistake of his life.

Everything was so much easier in hindsight. Lindsey loved him and he loved her. The idea of getting everything he thought he wanted, a wife, a family and a successful career, had sustained him for years and yet when he started to achieve those dreams they had meant nothing. The statement he had made what seemed like an eternity ago, still rang true.

"You're the one I want next to me when my dreams come true. You're the one I want next to me if they don't. As long as I have you nothing else matters."

Somewhere along the line he had forgotten those words. Nothing had mattered without her and he had become lost in a sea of doubt, unable to find the shore. Now she had re-entered his life, but he was forced to ask himself if the Peyton he had once known even existed any more. Silently he cursed himself for his lack of patience, wondering if he could have stopped all this from ever happening. One year was all she had asked for and now he would have given anything to have the promise of "someday" with her. Hindsight could be also be cruel like that he realised.

* * *

Peyton arrived at her building and felt desperate to get indoors; such was the acrid stench in this area. It was all she could afford with her new checkout salary, which was about the only job her parole officer could get her right now. She had dreamed of re-starting her label upon her release, hoping that all her contacts still existed, but it seemed they had either moved on, or no longer wanted to know her. She had allowed herself a bitter laugh at that thought, cursing her last shreds of optimistic naivety.

Walking slowly up the stairs, the sound of banging could be heard, causing her to cling to the wall. It seemed every day robberies were a risk here and she had been warned by three of her neighbours already that cautiousness was a virtue and that her things were not worth getting shot over. Climbing slowly step by step, she peered over the rail as she approached, viewing the shape of the person knocking. At once she sighed with relief and groaned with irritation at the sight of the Lucas' best friend, knowing this would probably be a pity visit.

"Hey Haley" she said, her voice laboured.

"Hey Peyton" Haley answered looking stuck for what to say next.

A few moments of awkward silence seemed to pass, before Peyton finally decided there was no use fighting the inevitable. This talk would happen.

"So…you want to come in?" She asked hesitantly.

"Yeah that's what I spent the last ten minutes banging on your door for." Haley said trying to maintain a certain fake smile. Haley always knew how to cheer someone up and part of her was happy just to see anyone familiar, but it was too late to make everything up with everyone she had left behind.

Entering the apartment, Haley seemed to take in the dank surroundings. "Impressive." She volunteered sarcastically. Peyton was not in the mood, there was only so much of this she could take.

"Look if you came to insult my life, can you just go?" She snapped.

Haley looked stricken and offended. "Woah slow down a minute. I just came to see if you're ok. Lucas is worried about you and I'm worried about you."

"Nobody has worried about me since the day I left town." The self pitying words had left her mouth before she could contain them and instantly she had felt they should have remained an unspoken thought.

"Peyton you chose to leave, nobody forced you. We all care about you, Lucas cares about you." Haley looked irritated in that indignant way she always seemed to get, when she felt an injustice had occurred.

Peyton felt like she would burst, Lucas couldn't care for her that way, not anymore. "Maybe you care, but all Lucas wants to do is win a staring contest and then go home to his perfect little wife, and his perfect family and his stupid white picket fence."

"That's not fair; he's called me every night since he saw you. I don't think he's slept properly a night since you left town. I almost hate you for crushing his spirit." Haley responded calmly but bitterly. "All he wants to do is help you through this and you aren't letting him, what do you expect?"

"Haley you don't understand. How could he possibly know what I've been through? He's got all his dreams, and look around, look at my life. I've got nothing, that guy in that bar left me with nothing but his death on my conscience." Her eyes had started to well up again and she bit her lip so hard she thought it might bleed, in an attempt to hold back her tears. It had been years since she had cried and that day in Lucas' office after that hug, it seemed every day after, the tears had flowed in endless streams.

"I know its hard Peyton." Haley's tone now sounded more sympathetic. "But at some point you're going to have to start living your life again." She paused a minute before continuing, seemingly biting her lip a moment. "I'm not even sure I should tell you this, but Lucas hasn't exactly been happy. Lindsey divorced him two years ago and he hasn't come back to Tree Hill since."

Peyton felt a mass of mixed emotions overcoming her. She felt sad for Lucas that his marriage had ended, but guiltily she felt the undeniable relief at what she had just heard; only making her feel like an even more terrible person. Even the corners of her mouth twitched a little bit.

Haley seemed to read her face and body language before she could even respond. "Peyton!" She shouted. "I saw that smile; you still love him don't you?"

"No!" She responded vehemently, but Peyton was now undecided as to the truth of that statement.

"Look I'm going to do you a favour and you're going to go and make this right. You have a pen?" Haley asked sternly. Peyton pointed to the kitchen counter, still wondering exactly what Haley was up to, still unable to process a coherent thought of any kind after the news she had just received.

"You do realise Brooke is going to kill you when she finally sees you after all this time?" Haley said slyly. Peyton knew there was no way she was ready for that yet, but still she managed a tiny laugh at the thought, which Haley responded to in kind. She had to admit, it felt good to laugh with a friend again.

* * *

Haley's words were still ringing in her ears, as she crossed the street and came closer to an apartment building she had thought never to visit. It was nothing fancy, but it certainly made her place look like a dump. The note Haley had written was still clutched firmly in her fingers, like a prized possession, though Peyton dared not admit, even to herself, what it had meant to her.

Climbing each step felt like a chore that dragged on her willpower as the door she searched for came ever closer. This was something she had to do, wanted to do and at the same time didn't. Everything was a constant tug of war between her head and her heart. It seemed like nothing could provide her with…She cursed herself for thinking of that word of his "clarity" and yet it really was the only word that described what she longed for.

As Peyton approached the door, she inhaled deeply struggling, almost unable to lift her arm and force it towards the door, such was the desire to turn and run away. Almost subconsciously her arm and hand seemed to move before she could stop them. A loud knock echoed through the hallway, as she panicked taking a step back, waiting for an answer.

The door drew open slowly and there he stood, looking tired and uneasy at the sight of her. Still the constant battle raged, half of her seeking flight, and the other half mesmerised by the sight of those blue crystallising spheres gazing upon her. His tired squint and hint of a smile held her to the spot, stood still and waiting for a response. All the while the sight of his slender toned arms called to her, as if knowing she longed for their embrace once more.

* * *

Lucas awoke to the sound of knocking; sensing a familiarity that almost caused him to fall out of bed. Saturday mornings had not been made for early wakeup calls, but a presence could be felt in the sound of the person's fist crashing against the wood of his door. The usually un-ardent task of throwing back the covers and dragging himself to answer seemed to flow with ease, like a sudden sound, even one he could not identify had awoken something within him.

Approaching the door, he felt his heartbeat inexplicably quicken as he almost skipped to it ready to answer. Hearing heavy breaths on the other side he paused, unsure of what was to come, but unable to shake the feeling of its great importance. Slowly he drew open the door and the sense of everything his mind had told him in the last thirty seconds became clear.

The perfect lines of her stood before him, those skinny legs that he could not help but stare at first, as always seemed natural when he spent so much time looking down. She seemed to stand frozen gazing into his eyes, awaiting a response he was not sure he was ready to give. The light reflected into those soulful green eyes of hers and even after all this time, he felt his heart skip to an even faster rhythm. Slightly embarrassed he realised he was not as concealed as he would like, but let it go, unable to form a coherent thought or sentence.

"Hey Peyt" was the best he could do, but she smiled and it seemed to lighten the morning sun.

"Hey Luke" She quickly replied and it seemed they shared their first smile together for an eternity.


	3. Chapter 3: Coming Up for Air

A/N: I'll admit I'm branching out again in this chapter a little, just getting another character into the story, although the vast majority is still LP. I'm also experimenting with a few things, and hopefully you all like them, because I'll admit I had a little too much fun with this chapter in the end. LP just get me thinking all sorts of things lol. Again I promised reviews would get you quick updates and keep me excited and they have. I can't help it, but I do love to get the feedback, so while reviews not essential or anything they do help.

**Chapter 3: Coming Up for Air**

"Hey Peyt"

"Hey Luke"

After they had stood staring for what seemed like hours, Lucas had felt unsure of quite what he should do next. He knew that getting some air might be good for both of them and had invited her in while he put some pants on. Now as they walked down the street approaching the park, the silence had become deafening. Peyton had only given him a series of looks or nods in acknowledgement of his suggestions, and it seemed like the wonderful moment they had shared in the doorway, was not evident of real progress.

Searching for an opening, Lucas grabbed at a question that had been in the back of his mind since Peyton had appeared at his door.

"So how did you find me?" He asked quizzically. Peyton looked up surprised by the break in the silence and still appeared hesitant to talk.

"Haley came to see me." She replied sheepishly. Lucas looked up at the sky and laughed to himself silently.

"I should have known she couldn't resist saying something." He said, now shaking his head. Peyton seemed uneasy about something and appeared to be looking away.

"Lucas I…I'm sorry about before when I talked about your perfect life." Her tone was still hesitant.

"It's ok, but remind me to kill Haley." He said light-heartedly. "I shouldn't have pushed you; I just miss what we used to have." He finished regretfully.

Peyton seemed to stop for a moment causing Lucas to pause too. "I miss it too." She responded softly. "I loved you being that guy for me."

"I still want to be that guy." He said with a hint of a plea.

"It's too late for that, there's so much water under so many bridges." Peyton looked away and quickly tried to wipe away a solitary tear before he could notice.

"So why did you come to see me?" Lucas asked, now feeling a sadness of something he had already known before she confirmed the validity of his fears.

"I…I don't even know I just needed to see you and I can't go to therapy with someone else it's too hard, but I have to see someone. It's part of my parole." Her voice cracked as she spoke and it hurt him still seeing her so miserable.

"So you want to keep coming to see me?" Even if it would only be for therapy, it gave him an excuse to see her three times a week, and Lucas felt a certain warmth at the chance to be any kind of presence in Peyton's life.

"If that's ok." she ventured questioningly.

"Yeah it's great." He replied a little more enthusiastically than he would have liked.

"I think I should go before we ruin this." Peyton said sadly as she started to walk away.

"Ruin what?" Lucas asked bemused. Peyton turned round to look at him and those green eyes, now so sad, left him feeling weak.

"The first good morning I've had in a long time." She said almost inaudibly, cracking a bittersweet smile. "I'll be seeing you." And with that she rushed away, leaving Lucas feeling there was still more left to say.

"Three o'clock Tuesday?" He yelled as the distance between them widened. He knew there was much he had to explain, so much he wanted to tell her if only the time was right. He feared it never would be.

"Three o'clock." She hollered back in confirmation, before disappearing around the corner. Lucas allowed himself a rye smile as a past memory of her words came to him. "I guess I'm just a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a bitch" were words she had once said to him. He knew that Peyton might still be a riddle wrapped inside a mystery, but he would never think of her as a bitch and he laughed at the thought of it, allowing himself a moment's happiness at giving Peyton even a single second of enjoyment this morning.

* * *

Haley glanced the familiar looking car, as she passed by and pulled into her driveway. Nathan was still at the River Court shooting around with Jamie, and she had hoped to have a few minutes peace to herself, before another busy day of grading papers. She pondered how Sunday used to be a day of rest and yet that no longer felt like the reality of her world. Gravel crunched under her tyres and signalled the sound of her completed journey. No matter what, it always felt good to come home.

She had barely got the door open when she felt the sweeping whirlwind breeze of the brunette approaching her, just as she had expected.

"Welcome home teacher wife. How was the secret getaway?" She asked with her widest gossip requiring smile.

"What?" Haley replied perplexed, giving Brooke her 'what the heck are you talking about?' look and kinking her eyebrow.

Brooke put on her best fake pout. "Oh come on. I called here yesterday and Nathan told me you were away. I asked where and why, but he wouldn't tell me." She seemed giddy with excitement to hear the news. "Nothing good ever happens in this town anymore, spill Haley James Scott. I know something's up and I can keep this up all day."

"I need to teach Nathan to lie better." Haley said dryly. "That or put a Brooke detector on the house so I can hide." She was now unable to avoid smiling; knowing Brooke always brought so much fun to the house and was a great godparent to Jamie.

"Oh shush." Brooke stuck out her tongue mockingly. "You know you love me, now come on. Spill" she said eagerly.

Haley groaned, knowing that eventually Brooke would have to learn the truth. She was unsure if Peyton would be ready for more people, but it didn't seem right to keep her one time best friend in the dark any longer. Taking a deep breath, she prepared herself for Brooke's response.

"I went to see Peyton." Haley blurted out suddenly. It seemed to take Brooke a second to respond, before she took a step back. It took a lot to stun Brooke Davis into silence, but it seemed this had done it, or at least momentarily.

"Where is she? How is she? Can we go and see her? Did she say why she left? Did you at least hit her for leaving?" Brooke seemed to have a million questions and they were all bursting out at once.

"Calm down Brooke." Haley said softly. "I think we better go inside and talk."

Brooke started to look slightly furious. "Wait till I get my hands on her, she'll regret running away that's for sure."

"I think she already does." Haley replied, leaving Brooke confused.

* * *

Peyton lay in bed staring at the ceiling, knowing that in two minutes she would have to get ready for work. It was so miserable to sit there day after day scanning items through the checkout. Her brain felt numbed by inactivity, which despites its benefits, left her feeling like hours of her life were just being wasted in the mundane supermarket environment.

When she returned home it felt like her mind would finally re-activate, leaving her with a torrent of thoughts cascading around her head. Sleeping was a chore and took all of her willpower and few too many pills to accomplish. Waking up this morning and readying herself to make the Everest climbing effort of pulling back the bed covers, one thought was particularly jarring and it was one she could not seem to shake.

Her last meeting with Lucas was so simple, walking and talking; it had been like old times. It was a rhythm she felt almost afraid to slip into. His smile and warmth had lifted her for that morning, only for the realities in the rest of her life to bring her crashing back down. It was too hard to feel the highs and lows; she needed to distance herself from him. At their next meeting she would have to tell Lucas that they should try to stay professional.

Even so, with the necessity of that, part of her felt glad to be able to share things with him again. The thought of bearing her soul to a total stranger about the things that had happened this past five years, just didn't feel right. Having Lucas to share those moments with was something she missed and it left her feeling an inner conflict that threatened to drive her insane. Peyton felt so much she wanted to let him in and yet that fear and drive to push him away still existed. The trust they had once had, never quite fully recovered since the night she had found Lindsey holding that ring. Still it was difficult not to let Lucas force his way into her thoughts, his thoughtfulness and caring was so hard to resist. Peyton remembered the day they had once talked on a bridge. "I'd gladly erase my dad if it would bring back your mom." He had said so thoughtfully, bringing a hint of smile to her troubled face then, just as he still could now.

Peyton cursed her brain for its confused mess of thoughts and threw back the covers, readying herself for another long and droning day. Tomorrow she could think about Lucas Scott, for today she had to focus on the "beep beep" of the checkout counter.

* * *

He found himself taking deep breaths, trying not to hyperventilate at the thought of his nine o'clock appointment. It had been a long time since he had really talked with Peyton about anything in a social way, and their last meeting had left its mark. He needed to remain professional, but how could they both keep to that after everything? It was a quandary he wished to ignore, but would not go away. There was so much Peyton did not know about him now and it was difficult to know if he was still the same man she once knew.

The struggle of being that guy for her, made him feel like a fly caught in a tangled web, struggling to barely survive. The urge to be selfish and tell Peyton how he felt about everything was overwhelming, but dumping that on her right now would be unthinkably cruel and ask too much of her. Lucas had never been good at admitting things, especially to himself, and he had never managed to admit that whenever Peyton re-entered his life, it turned things upside down.

That very idea of turning life upside down, at times seemed appealing, especially now, with so many dark thoughts in the corners of his mind. He had his own darkness's to conquer and own weaknesses to overcome. A memory quickly pushed itself to the surface, the look of horror on a face gnawing at his skull before he could suppress it.

Hearing his intercom buzz, he pushed the button to receive word from his secretary, of what he knew would be Peyton's arrival. Taking another deep breath, he readied himself to be calm in front of the blonde he had once thought of as his forever.

* * *

Peyton entered the room, feeling the look of those intense blue eyes upon her immediately and sensed a strange tension from Lucas. It worried her and brought her fears of letting him in again to the surface. She bit her lip, thinking of what to say next, which seemingly made Lucas aware of the feeling in that moment.

"You ok Peyton?" He asked gently.

"Yeah I'm fine, let's just get this over with." Peyton snapped a little harsher than meant to, slowly sitting down on Lucas' very cliché cream therapists couch.

"Ok it's difficult to know where to start. Is there anything you'd like to talk about?" Lucas asked cautiously, seeming to sense her discomfort in this setting.

"Not really. Do we really have to do this? Can't we just hang out and then you confirm I came here?" Peyton asked, now irritated. The walls of the office once again felt like they would close in and the environment was starting to make it feel harder to breathe.

Lucas looked into his file, pulling a sheet and studying it for a few seconds. "We have to talk about something Peyton, you're here for a reason and you chose to keep seeing me."

"I know, but I'm not ready to talk about…about that stuff." She replied hesitantly.

"Let's start with something slightly less dramatic then." Lucas said confidently and it seemed he was finding his rhythm, as if this is how he would be with every patient. "It says here your parole officer got you a job. Is that working out ok?"

Peyton felt uneasy at the question, knowing the answer might only make her feel worse about the next day and the next one after. "I guess its ok; it helps me pay the rent." She answered sadly.

"But you want more." Lucas stated, nodding his head. "I know it's tough, look at me, this wasn't exactly my first choice. You'll get back to doing what you love eventually."

Seeing Lucas smile at her, caused a reaction she had not expected. A part of her knew that maybe he was right, but for now it felt like any dream was too much to think of. It angered her to think of her record label now in tatters and the contacts who would no longer take her calls. "What you mean like you have?" She snapped.

"What are you trying to say Peyton?" Lucas asked, looking a little stricken and confused.

"I mean look at you, you're talking to crazy people like me for a living, what happened to your writing? You've become a washed up hack leaning on his fallback career. How can you tell me to chase my dreams when you won't? When did you give up Luke?" She had yelled it all out in a panic, thinking of all her lost dreams. Now Peyton put her hand to her mouth, almost shocked at what she had said, feeling awful and wanting to take it back.

"The day you left town" Lucas muttered softly under his breath.

Peyton felt the impact of his response immediately, struggling to breathe as if a crushing weight pressed upon her chest. "I'm sorry I'm not sure I can do this Lucas, not right now. I better go." Gathering up her things as quickly as she could, she headed for the door.

"Peyton wait." He shouted desperately, but Peyton dared not look back, fearing that she would not be able to resist what he asked if he looked at her with those eyes.

* * *

His head felt hazy and he struggled to find awareness. Thoughts of Peyton seemed to swim around in his brain, as he wondered if she would come back to see him, regretting what he had told her. She was in no position to hear that and Lucas knew that the time to let her know how he felt had not yet come, it had not yet come because he was not even sure himself exactly how he felt, never mind the trauma's that Peyton had been through as well.

There seemed to be a surreal blur in his vision of the kitchen as he struggled to place certain objects, yet almost automatically he found himself with a hot cup of coffee in his hand, sensing that he was waiting for something. A loud insistent knock on the door came, almost like he had known it would, leaving him feeling strangely confused.

Approaching the door cautiously, Lucas felt that the identity of the person on the other side was just an inevitability. Peyton stood in front of him and he rubbed his eyes in disbelief, feeling he had developed some form of oracle like power. The skirt she wore seemed just short enough to reveal an amount of thigh that took his breath away.

Suddenly he became aware of the sound of rain, thinking that he had not heard it before. Peyton's wet tank top held tightly to the slim curve of her breasts, drawing his eye slowly to them despite his best intentions. Slowly she raked her hands back through her wet hair, further accentuating all the curves and lines he knew it would be wise to ignore.

The tension of the momentary silence, in which his eyes had been locked to her became unbearable, finally forcing him to speak and reveal the reason for this surprising visit he could not yet understand.

"Peyton I…about earlier…" Lucas hesitated "I…"

"Just shut up Luke." Peyton interrupted, and before he even had time to think he felt her lips pressed to his. The tender moist touch he had missed so much filling him with a pleasure he had longed for, his mind momentarily aware of his now full arousal.

His lips parted to allow her tongue to caress his, sending him into ecstasy as they threw their arms around each other tightly. Unable to resist the urge, his hands wandered lower and he grasped her pert rear, lifting her up. He felt her response as she wrapped her legs fully around his waist, allowing them both to feel a more intimate touch.

Carrying Peyton to the bedroom, he lowered her gently to the bed and felt the need to look into her eyes, seeing those deep green spheres that sent his senses haywire. An unspoken acknowledgement passing between them, as she reached for the buttons of her pants, undoing each one slowly and offering a playful smirk, as if teasing him with each one and knowing he was waiting to see more of the sleek lines of her legs, in anticipation of what would follow.

Resisting the urge to lick his lips, he reached to unbutton his own…

Another loud knock came suddenly at his door, dragging his sense towards it and leaving an unnerved irritation in his mind. Peyton seemed unaffected, as the surreal feeling he had previously felt returned.

More knocking seemed to drag his senses away, suddenly leaving a confused sense of interruption as the room seemed to fade, just as Peyton was pulling her…

Lucas heard a loud crack, as his hand hit his bedside cabinet, causing him to re-awaken suddenly. "Ah shit." He groaned out, feeling the pain of the impact and trying to gather himself, unable to feel connected properly to his room, suddenly wondering why Peyton had vanished.

Realising what had happened he let out a loud saddened groan, still feeling the press of his own arousal. "Ughh just a dream." Letting out a sad and disappointed sigh, he got up to answer the door, thinking that he might just be ready to kill whoever stood on the other side.


	4. Chapter 4: Will the Truth Set You Free?

A/N: I've basically got the whole cast of characters in now, but the fic is obviously still predominantly LP. I know the last chapter was a bit of a tease, but Peyton has a lot of healing to do physically, before those kind of dreams become a reality. I'm sure they'll get there eventually though, or they probably will anyway lol. As always I'm not massively hung up on reviews, but I do like to get them and they do motivate me to update faster. Anyways this is a fairly heavy chapter, hope you enjoy it :).

**Chapter 4: Will the Truth Set You Free?**

Still feeling irritated at the disturbance, Lucas stormed towards the door as he tried to shake himself awake. Reaching the door, he tore it open a little more quickly than he intended, preparing to show his annoyance. The identity of the person revealed on the other side, forced him to backtrack on his thinking and left him momentarily speechless.

"Hey Luke" came the excitable smoky tones of the brunette.

He felt his senses still reeling from the dream and rubbed his eyes, grasping for wakefulness. It had been a little while since she had appeared at his door this way and he felt that the timing could not be coincidental, even if she was already carrying some shopping bags.

"Hey Brooke" he responded sluggishly. The dream had still left him in a daze and now stood before him, was another former part of his love life.

"Finally, I thought you were just going to let me stand here all morning." She replied as something seemed to catch her eye. Suddenly she raised her eyebrows and seemed to look away. "Guess I should have said hey to little Lucas too." She finished with an awkward smile, keeping her eyes averted.

"Oh" Lucas responded embarrassed, now realising his boxers were not offering the concealment he would prefer, and that the effects of the dream had not yet fully worn off. He quickly turned away, hoping to somehow make the moment less embarrassing. "Would you like to come in and wait while I change?"

"Ok" Brooke offered with a playful smirk as she entered his apartment. Lucas walked away and realised he could hear her muttering under her breath to herself. "Hey Brooke how are you? Oh I'm great thanks, you?"

Quickly putting some pants on, he rejoined Brooke in the kitchen, still wondering what had brought her here this early in the morning. "So it's nice to see you and everything, but this is kind of a surprise. You couldn't call first?" He asked.

"I've called before and you always have excuses. You're always too busy apparently." She responded more seriously. "I'm worried about you Luke and Peyton is a patient of yours now. This is bad, we need to talk."

"It's going ok Brooke; you don't have anything to worry about." Lucas replied, showing a little more irritation than intended and now doubting the truthfulness of his own statement.

Brooke gave him a harsh look. "That's what you said last time."

* * *

Peyton poured her morning coffee as she considered the events of yesterday. Lucas had tried to reach out and support her and she had pushed him away. It felt wrong somehow to push away the one person you had always previously opened up to, but losing dreams and coming to terms with the endless grind of work was hard enough without thinking of the things she had lost.

The question had to be asked. Would she ever be able to properly open up to Lucas again? Peyton knew that opening up to someone else in that way did not feel like an option and yet Lucas had hurt her so badly in the past that to let him in again re-opened that possibility, leaving her with a feeling of vulnerability she had never before experienced around him. Then there was his life and the things he had not yet told her. Having to hear from Haley about his divorce left her feelings excluded from Lucas' life in a way she had previously hadn't felt since the day they had first spoken. She considered that it would be difficult to open up to someone who would not open up to her. It was all becoming so complicated and Peyton knew that she was struggling to cope.

Perhaps the time to ask him these things would be in their next session. Something had to change if this was to work in some way, but finding whatever that thing was did not feel like it would be easy. Peyton knew that last time she had come back into his life, she had ruined it somehow and upset the balance between Lucas and Lindsey's relationship. Maybe he felt she would do the same again. It was an idea that scared her. The one thing she knew she did not want was to upset the balance of Lucas' life again and ruin it in some way, like she had before.

If things didn't get better, Peyton realised that it might be time to cut things off; then at least one of them could be happy. If Lucas couldn't help her, maybe she could prevent him being dragged down with her. The despair she felt at the end of the day and the start of the morning was not something Peyton would wish on anyone.

* * *

Brooke paced around the kitchen and considered Lucas' reactions this morning. It was clear that things were going in the same direction they always did. Peyton was back and she was already inside his head. This never ending cycle had to stop and Brooke was determined that if she could put a stop to it she would. Lucas needed to stop this thing he kept doing to himself and kept doing to all of them.

"We've both been through this before Luke." She said sympathetically, knowing Lucas would try to rationalise everything.

"It's different this time Brooke. We're all different people now." He stated as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

"You always do this, but nothing ever really changes." She asserted. "People always get hurt."

"You don't understand Brooke, she needs help and I'm the only one that can help her." Lucas stated pleadingly.

"She needs help Luke, but not your help. When are you going to stop doing this to yourself and to everyone around you?" Brooke could feel her anger boiling over and a hate she harboured for Peyton that was hard to contain. It was difficult to hate someone that she had once been so close to, but after Peyton had left last time, so many things had happened and now Brooke would not welcome her back into their lives.

"How can you say that? She's your best friend." Lucas was clearly now getting upset, but he had to know all this was true, nothing good could come of all this.

"Does she even know Luke?" Brooke snapped. "Have you told her yet?"

"Not yet, Peyton already has so much to deal with. I can't put that on her yet." Lucas responded, now looking hurt.

Brooke shook her head as she saw the mess that this situation already was. "I won't go through that again Luke, not like last time."

"I know, you're right Brooke I won't put you through that again." He sighed heavily. "Just let me tell her ok?"

"Do it soon." She replied more harshly than she had intended and trying to soften her tone. "I know this is hard, but we both know it's for the best. She'll find out eventually." She finished sadly. It was tough to think of the past and imagine the dark places they could all reach again. Brooke hated to push Lucas, but someone had to, or they would all be right back in the same place they were years ago.

"I've gotta get to my offices and deal with some meetings, but I'll see you soon. Please tell her." She held Lucas hands, almost begging him to understand this was right. Looking into his eyes, she saw his acceptance as he leaned slowly down and kissed her gently on the cheek.

"I'll tell her. Goodbye Brooke and good luck today." He said smiling gently at her.

Brooke knew she could not help smiling back when he did that. It would all be so much better if this situation was not so complicated. Offering a playful smile in return as she began to walk away she responded in her best confident voice "You know I don't need it."

* * *

Lucas watched Brooke leave and felt a panic set in at the thought of what he would soon tell Peyton. The darkness already started to close in and he felt his breath start to shorten. Struggling just to hold himself up he grasped the kitchen counter tightly and tried to shake feeling of being so drained.

The darkness seemed to close in more quickly around his head and he could feel his hands shake. Desperately he reached to open the cabinet and fumble for his bottle of pills, feeling relief that he had found it so easily. Having the bottle in his hand already caused a sense of safety, as the darkness seemed to disband. Slowly, but still shaking, Lucas opened the bottle and dropped two pills into his hand.

As he prepared to drop the pills into his mouth, the threat that had overpowered him only seconds ago appeared to have vanished and Lucas sighed in relief. A silent curse was let out in response to his reaction to go for the pills, but he knew that he was seconds away from being right back where he had started some time ago. Brooke had been right, the threat of what had happened years ago could return. Perhaps the time had already come to tell Peyton what had happened after she had left. She might not be ready, but eventually one way or another she would find out, or at least find out some of the truth. It was best that he told her before she found out from someone else.

* * *

Nathan sat watching highlights of last night's game and wondered if he would ever reach the status he had ever once longed for. Seeing himself on camera, sat lazily on the bench wasting away, left him feeling depressed in a way he had not expected. Not long ago he would have given anything just for the chance to play again, yet now seeing himself sat there on the bench, it all felt like some bizarre form of torture. It seemed his career was just wasting away, although he had to admit, at least he was a well paid bench warmer.

Turning his thoughts to simpler things at home, he still wondered why Haley had gone to New York. Brooke had thought he was holding out on her, when the truth was literally that Haley had not told him why yet. It was something he was now curious to know, if only because she would usually be so open about everything. Nathan suddenly heard a call from the kitchen, but was unable to make out the words above the TV.

"What!" He yelled loudly. Suddenly Haley appeared angrily.

"I said what do you want for Breakfast?" She shouted. "I've told you to turn that TV down, we'll all be deaf before we're forty, if you're not already."

"You know I like it loud for the sports." He responded apologetically, now turning the volume down. "Just the usual is fine, if that's ok."

"I went shopping yesterday so that should be ok. You're training today aren't you?" Haley asked quizzically.

"Yeah later we are." Nathan answered, seeing Haley walk back to the kitchen. He felt an urge to call her back, feeling his curiosity get the best of him. "Haley!" He called.

"Yes" She answered impatiently, returning to the living room.

"So what did you go to see Lucas for in the end anyway?" He asked questioningly.

"Just stuff and you know." Haley answered, trailing off to a mumble at the end.

"Haley James Scott." Nathan replied curiously. "That's your hiding something answer."

Haley looked at him and seemed to sense she'd given herself away. Slowly she walked over and sat next to him on the couch, gradually cuddling up to him. He now felt something serious must have happened. Softly she kissed him and offered her best impression of a seductive smile that he found so cute.

"Maybe we should have breakfast a little later." She offered brightly with a smile. Nathan felt himself losing his train of thought, ready to take Haley up on her offer that was too good to refuse. A nagging doubt shuck at his mind and wouldn't let his go as he realised something was up.

"Haley!" Nathan exclaimed in surprise. "I'm seriously worried now. What's going on? We never have morning sex."

Haley seemed to inhale deeply realising that her game was up. "Ok, promise you won't be mad."

"How bad is it Hales?" He asked, now feeling deeply worried.

Haley took his hands and looked into his eyes, already apologising before she had spoken. "I went to see Lucas." She said softly, lowering her head in shame.

Nathan could feel the anger boiling up inside of him; it threatened to burst out in explosion. "What!" He shouted loudly. "I can't believe you would do that Haley, not after what happened."

She interrupted suddenly and a torrent of words burst out. He looked on trying to catch everything of what she was explaining to him. Everything seemed to difficult to process and so surreal, as she recounted the details of Peyton's reappearance, all the while he was thinking it sounded too dramatic to be true.

Haley finished the story and was now seemingly out of breath. Nathan was left staring in shock, not knowing quite how to respond.

"I don't want you seeing either of them anymore Haley." He said sternly.

"You know it's not that simple Nathan, it never was. They need us, your brother needs you." Haley's face was now showed her upset at his response, but Nathan knew his resolve on this would not crack.

"No Haley!" He shouted exasperated. "I'll go and see him; I've got to put an end to this."

* * *

Peyton looked at the clock and counted her blessings that her lunch break was only ten minutes away. That "beep beep" sound was now so far ingrained in her mind, she was sure it would be present in her dreams. Preparing herself for the next customer and readying her best fake smile, she looked up and felt for the next item to scan through her checkout.

The sight that greeted her as she raised her head, caused an immense shock and left her mouth gaping open in surprise. Her one time best friend, the stunningly beautiful brunette she had shared so many childhood memories with, now stood before her. Unable to respond Peyton scanned the solitary pack of gum through.

"Hey P.Sawyer." Brooke sounded as perky as ever. "Not happy to see me?" She questioned.

"Brooke I…I…what are you doing here?" It was a question she stammered out, but already knew the answer to. Haley must have told her what had happened.

"I came to see my broody best friend of course." Brooke's tone seemed bright, but it hid a hint of disgust and displeasure that was hard to ignore. "Can we talk?" She asked.

"I get off for lunch in ten minutes. I can meet you in the café down the street." It was the only idea Peyton had, but she was not looking forward to the conversation that would follow. Nothing lately seemed to be happening at a pace she felt ready for. Giving Brooke her change, she readied herself for the onslaught of questions that would come.

* * *

Walking towards the café Peyton could see Brooke sat in the window. The urge to turn and run was unbearably strong, but she fought it, knowing the inevitability of this meeting. Sooner or later she had to face all the people that she had run away from, but each time it only seemed to get harder. Walking through the door and towards the table where Brooke was sat, Peyton tried to calm herself before the questions came. She sat down opposite her one time best friend, noting that her appearance had not changed at all. Brooke's look was harsh and it seemed that she had something to say, it was not what Peyton had expected.

"Peyton, I'm just going to get to the point." Brooke's tone was more serious than Peyton was used to and it continued to catch her off guard, the perkier tone of minutes ago now gone. "It would have been better if you hadn't reappeared. Haley's sympathetic, but I'm not. You've got a sad story and it's bad, but you always have some sad story."

"What?" Peyton replied softly. It was the only response she could manage. This was not the Brooke she had once known. There was a harder edge and more assertiveness, but none of what she was saying seemed to make sense.

"When you left, it hurt a lot of people and we haven't heard from you for years. Lucas was distraught. He denied it, but it was you who made him that way, just like it's always you who hurts him. It took him a lot of time to get his life back on track and now here you are again."

"I'm not gonna hurt him again Brooke." She interrupted. "I know how hurt he was last time."

"No Peyton you don't know." Brooke exclaimed angrily, drawing the attention of a few customers.

"Brooke I…"

"Just don't hurt him again Peyton, he can't take it. It'd be better if you stopped seeing him." Brooke grabbed her coat and turned to leave.

"If it means that much to you I will." Peyton snapped.

"Good." Brooke snapped back before walking out. Peyton was left bemused by the situation she found herself in, now wondering how her leaving town had caused Lucas to be hurt so badly. It was something that he had hinted at in their last meeting. Perhaps Brooke was right; it was time for her to stop seeing him.

* * *

Lucas sat preparing himself for Peyton's arrival, knowing that today he would have to tell her the secret he had hung onto for so long. It was something that crippled him to speak of, and yet he had known in his heart was for the best at the time. How could anyone understand what he had done? Every night it still haunted him and left him feeling the constant strain of panic.

His secretary buzzed and he knew it signalled that she was here. Lucas only hoped Peyton did not run off in horror at what he would have to tell her. Brooke blamed Peyton, but he knew that this would never be her fault. This darkness he felt was something that had existed for a long time and was something he should have dealt with before it had overwhelmed him. In his heart Lucas knew he could have done more to stop what had happened, but he hadn't. In a single moment control had slipped from his grasp and it had all been over.

"Send her in." Lucas said shakily down the phone, as he waited for his one time prospective fiancé to enter.

Slowly the door handle turned and his big office door opened. Lucas felt this might be the last time he would see Peyton and was determined to take at least one second just to admire her. Her perfect green eyes still affected his heart and those lips he had only yesterday dreamed were upon his, were as seductive as ever. Unable to resist he let out a smile, which she responded to in kind. Peyton's smile lit up the room for him as it always did and he continued to admire every inch of her, gradually scanning her slim curves and gorgeous chickeny legs.

"Hey Luke" Peyton said softly in greeting, shaking him free of his momentary trance.

"Hey Peyton" he responded, trying to keep the desperate sadness from his voice.

"I don't think we should see each anymore." She blurted our suddenly. "I'm sorry for running out on you last time, but I don't think this is right. I know I hurt you."

Her response seemed too sudden, almost like it had been prompted by something. Brooke's last visit was still fresh in her mind, as if Peyton was channelling her words.

"You talked to Brooke didn't you?" Lucas asked, now showing his irritation. "Peyton, what happened with me after you left, it wasn't your fault." He pleaded.

"What?" Peyton exclaimed in confusion. "What's going on Lucas? You're scaring me and Brooke's scaring me."

Realising that Brooke had not told her everything; Lucas took a deep breath and readied himself for what might be the hardest conversation of his life. "I think you better sit down Peyton." He said gravely.

"Ok Luke" Peyton responded, giving him a strange look that spoke of her bemusement as she sat down. "Please just tell me. We've always been open with…"

Lucas found the words escaping his mouth before he could stop them. The pressure of holding them in had become too much, causing him to burst and let a confession slip out that he had dreaded for so long.

"Peyton I killed Dan, I killed him."

The tears were flowing freely from his eyes and he realised he had sagged to his knees. His head was now in Peyton's lap as he sobbed freely, begging for her understanding, frozen as he felt her hand slowly stroke his hair.


	5. Chapter 5: Time to Let Go

A/N: Ok so this update is a little bit shorter than normal, but not that much and it is pretty quick. I realise I left everyone hanging badly with the last chapter and I wanted to deal with that, especially this whole scenario I had planned, fresh in my mind. This chapter is basically one huge flashback dealing with the cliffhanger from the previous chapter and has a little bit tacked on the end in the current timeline. Everything else, like the Peyton issues, the why Brooke blames Peyton stuff, NH, NL and of course the LP romance element will be dealt with soon. In this chapter _Italics_ will denote the flashback sequence. As always reviews are not essential, but I do respond to them and in this case, all the "OMG" responses got me to update pretty quickly, so I'm definitely motivated by them and I love to get them. The ones I have gotten so far are very much appreciated, so thanks for those. Anyway enjoy :)

**C****hapter 5: There's a Time for Us to Let Go**

_Lucas stood taking in the night air, feeling the cool breeze on hi__s skin, keeping his eyes closed and hoping to savour a minute's peace. Somehow, now stood on the gym roof, he needed to forget the game that had just ended. The last shot clanging off the rim and all the disappointed faces were still etched in his memory. The Ravens had failed to make the play-offs and it was his fault; it was he who had promised to deliver and it was he who in the end could not._

_There had been an air of disappointment about the night, before the game had even started. Looking into the crowd, Lucas saw Lindsey smiling down at him and smiled back; scanning the crowd further he smiled at Brooke and Haley too, in acknowledgement of their coming to support him. _

_His heart dropped as he looked past Haley subconsciously, searching for the person he should have known would not be there. The three brunettes's were all sat together, but the one with the sleek blonde lavender scented hair was nowhere to be found. Months had passed since Peyton had left town, the very day of his wedding and yet Lucas still found himself looking for her, looking for her in the stands, looking for her at Tric and looking for her in the library._

_She had vanished without a trace and ever since that day, nothing had felt quite right, the world had somehow been tilted. Atlas had shrugged and the world was crumbling down in reaction. Things with Lindsey were great and for brief moments he found himself forgetting that Peyton had left, but now missing her in the stands it all hit home. She was never coming back, not this time._

_Still taking deep breaths of the fresh night air, he tried to clear his head, thinking of simpler times and playing __ball with friends at the River Court. Hearing the door creak open behind him, he found his reverie interrupted. A loud cough followed as he turned to face the person who had disturbed his search for peace, and he found the one person he wanted to see least in the world stood before him._

_Dan greeted him with his characteristic__ smug smirk. "Nice game son, I'm sure Keith would be real proud." He sneered sarcastically. Lucas could feel his blood boiling over at the mention of his dead uncle's name and the gall of Dan to mention it._

"_You don't even deserve to say his name!" Lucas shouted angrily in response._

"_Woah son, I'm just checkin up on ya." Dan stated smugly, still wearing that same smarmy smile that he seemed to think was charming. "Perhaps it's time you let Nathan take over; you never really were cut out to be a leader."_

"_Your record doesn't exactly make you the right person to judge." He snapped. "And I'm not your son. I never will be."_

"_You're right perhaps I didn't do a good job of raising you or Nathan, but I'll get it right with Jamie." Dan's smile broadened, infuriating Lucas further as he stepped in closer, bringing the two of them only inches apart._

"_You'll never see him." Lucas yelled furiously._

"_It seems Jamie wants me around and so does Nathan. You lose this round…son." The words seemed to bounce around Lucas' skull, building the pressure of an intense migraine like feeling in his head. Unable to hold it in any longer he balled up his hand tight into a fist and swung for Dan's face. It seemed to be exactly what Dan was expecting and he merely pushed the blow away, grabbing Lucas' tightly by the arm and tossing him to the ground._

_The sounds of laughter started up, much to Lucas' dismay, as he felt the helplessness that always overwhelmed him in this situation. Dan knew he had the upper hand, only adding to Lucas' irritation. "Why can't you just leave us all alone? Don't you see there's no redemption for you here?" He asked almost pleadingly._

"_There's always redemption Lucas'. You know to air is human, to forgive is divine and god will forgive me. He'll forgive me for killing Keith, just like he'd have forgiven me for having you aborted. Talk about big mistakes, well that was the biggest. I could have avoided all this if only you hadn't been born." Dan's face now looked more serious, almost chilling in its cold aggression. Lucas felt helpless and despite his hatred for his father, the words still hurt._

"_With Jamie__ I'll erase all my…mistakes." He said viciously, accentuating the last word with delight as Lucas could feel Dan staring him down._

_Lucas felt a desperate fury rise up at the thought of Dan ruining Jamie's life, just as he had ruined both his and Nathan's. It was something that every inch of him felt was wrong. Frantically he lunged at Dan taking bringing them both to the ground. Again and again they rolled over until they lay close to the roof's edge._

_Lucas could now feel the crushing weight of his father above him, realising he was now at a disadvantage. The powerful hands now wrapped around his neck, leaving him struggling for breath. He could feel the last light surrounding him darken, as oxygen became harder and harder to grasp, sure that the man that in genetics only was his father, would choke the last of it from him._

_The shriek of a familiar voice re-awakened his senses as he fought to retain awareness. It grew closer and suddenly Lucas felt the weight being pulled away from him with surprising ferocity._

"_Get off him, get off him!" Haley screamed, furiously pulling at Dan to stop his now maniacal strangling. Lucas felt his throat released as he gasped for breath. He saw Haley shoved violently to the ground, feeling an endlessly desperate need to save them both from what he now believed could be the same fate as Keith, leaving both Jamie and Nathan to suffer further down the line._

_Dan was stood above Haley grinning wildly in complete madness. "You never were good enough." He spat._

_Lucas mustered the last of his ailing strength, rising to his feet and running towards Dan, shoving him violently away from where Haley now lay. Time seemed to slow as he realised what would be the end result of his action. Dan barrelled towards the ledge of the roof and started to go over the edge. Lucas saw it and felt his shallow breaths starting to catch in his throat, lunging to reach out and stop what in his heart, he felt would now be inevitable._

_His hand__ latched onto Dan's flailing right arm with surprising strength, threatening to drag them both over the top. Holding on with everything he had left, Lucas pulled back trying to pry Dan back from the ground below, but it seemed hopeless. "Haley!" he yelled desperately, but she remained lying still on the ground._

_Still struggling to breathe, __he reached to grasp Dan's arm with his other hand, hoping for the strength to pull him back onto the roof. Catching Dan's eyes he saw a now panicked look that he felt could haunt him forever._

"_Pull me back up…son." The words pierced Lucas' mind and left him straining without energy. Suddenly he felt his grasp weaken as Dan's arm began to slip through his fingers and his eyes widened. Time now at a complete standstill, Lucas could only watch in horror as he lost control and Dan's arm fell free of his grip. In a millisecond that seemed to last a lifetime, it was over. Dan looking into Lucas' eyes with horror, plummeted to the ground with tremendous force, creating an earth shattering noise as he hit the cement below._

_Lucas slumped back to the ground, sat in shock at what had happened, taking just a second to try and regain any sense of focus. Realising Haley still laid only a few feet away, he summoned his remaining strength and crawled to her, hoping she was not badly hurt._

"_Ahhh" Haley groaned as she seemed to awaken, sitting bolt upright. "What happened?" She said as rubbed her head._

"_He's dead Haley. He's dead. I killed him." Lucas found himself struggling not to sob. "You've got to get out of here; you can't be involved in this." His brain was now frantically thinking of the repercussions, thinking of her involvement could somehow leave Jamie without his mother. It was a thought he could not entertain._

"_I'm not leaving Luke." Haley asserted pleadingly._

"_You have to Haley, think of Jamie. They'll involve you in this too, it's not like we both don't have motive. I won't risk it. He needs a mother. I'll be ok." Lucas found himself pleading, knowing that he could not leave Jamie in the same position he had been in his whole life, part of a single parent family and worse, no uncle to call on either._

"_No. You can't Luke." The tears were welling up in Haley's eyes. "You just can't."_

"_Think of Nathan. I killed our father; he'll hate me for this Haley. I killed him." His breaths were frantic as the words stumbled out, the horror of only moments ago seemingly ringing in his ears._

"_You saw him, he was crazy. You saved us both Luke." Haley again pleaded._

"_That's not how it looks and you know it. All they'll see is two of us and him dead on the ground below. If they believe it's self defence then they'll believe it whether you're here or not, just go." He realised his voice had reached a feverish shouting._

"_But Luke…" She pleaded one last time._

"_No, if you don't I'll tell them I came up here to kill him." Haley shot him a look that he would never forget. It hurt him to say those words, but at the time he had felt it was best to get her away from it all. It was something he would always remember, as the look of shock and hurt crossed her face, piercing his heart. She looked away quickly, storming away from the roof and shut the doors furiously behind her, leaving Lucas to his thoughts._

Dan's death had left Lucas in a state of confusion. He felt pain at what he had done, realising he could not even remember those last moments. Had Dan slipped or had he let go of his arm? It was a question he himself could not answer, but led him to think of the darker outcome, still feeling his feeling grasp as Dan had fallen away from him, looking on in helpless terror. Lucas' had felt a bittersweet victory knowing his family were safe. It had come at a cost and it was one he was not sure he would ever forgive himself, despite all the evils Dan had committed.

The Police came that night and took him away. He faced a barrage of questions as he told them the story of what had happened, excluding Haley's involvement like he had promised. The looks he received spoke of the pre-judgement and Lucas felt life as if he might know the outcome. He called Lindsey and explained himself, she had been supportive, but it left him feeling something was missing. The person he would always turn to in times like these could not be found. A single tear trickled down his cheek, as he felt a longing that had taken too long to return. All he had wanted as he had laid in his cell for the night was to have Peyton hold him and fix him, like she had so many times before.

The severe bruising around his neck had left him needing medical care and it was this that had been his saving grace. That coupled with Dan's record had backed up his story of self defence. He was, even then, able to tell the detectives were not happy to let him go, his lawyer explaining that in those circumstances, a conviction would have been impossible to obtain.

A mixture of relief, sadness and pain had overwhelmed Lucas after his release, leaving him ever more reclusive and unable to find his spark; a spark that had until now never threatened to return as he remained here, still with his head resting gently in Peyton's lap. Glancing teary eyed up at her as he finished recounting the story as best as he knew how, praying Peyton would understand in only the way she could.


	6. Chapter 6: There's a Time for Healing

A/N: I think I've overcomplicated things for myself a little bit, but slowly and surely I'm trying to solve all the plot points and work it all out. So I hope this is satisfactory and answers a lot of questions. As always reviews aren't essential, but I do like to get them and they motivate me to write more. They also help me fix certain things, as best I can. So any reviews would be great and also thanks to everyone who has left me a review so far. Anyways enjoy :)

**Chapter 6: There's a Time for Healing**

Dan is dead. It was a shocking thought to process and one that she had certainly never expected. It had been a long time since she had seen Lucas like this, but Peyton knew that he would carry this for a long time if not forever. The way he told the story it made it obvious to her that it was not his fault, and she knew he would never intentionally hurt anyone. Lucas had a way of carrying burdens that were not his and she knew that this one, the death of his father, albeit a father he despised, would be haunting him.

Questions quickly surfaced, but Peyton dismissed them, trying to focus on how to comfort Lucas. Did Brooke really blame her for this? Is this what she had meant when she talked about Lucas being distraught over her leaving?

Still stroking his hair slowly, Peyton tried to find the right words, but tried to repress a chill as the room suddenly felt icy. Since she had left town, it seemed that both of their lives had fallen apart at the seams. Perhaps that was her carrying too much, but she felt that maybe Brooke was right, being back in Lucas' life was selfish, yet here he was, opening up to her as he always had. Peyton decided that they could both help each other through this before going their separate ways once more.

"Lucas" Peyton said softly. "This isn't your fault."

"But I killed him." Lucas replied, still sounding distraught.

It seemed he was determined to carry the blame and Peyton found herself struggling for words. "You saved yourself and you saved Haley. There was nothing else you could do. You pushed him to save her." She asserted strongly.

Lucas looked up at her teary eyed and it seemed her statement had saddened him greatly. "That's not it Peyton." His breaths were shortening as he spoke. "I let him go. I...I think I could have pulled him back up and then he spoke and my grasp slipped. I let him fall." He backed away from her into the chair opposite and put his head in his hands. Peyton felt he was trying to hide in shame, but the story he had told did not seem to match what he had just said.

"Did you let him go Luke? Did you?" Peyton asked questioningly, sure that Lucas was bearing a false burden, one that would eventually break him down.

"I...I don't know." He said desperately. "I can't remember that last moment, it's just blank and...the only...the only reason I can think of for that to happen is that what I did is so terrible I blocked it out."

His breathing started to become shorter and more panicked as he paced the room frantically. Suddenly he dropped to the floor on his knees and appeared to be struggling. "Lucas!" Peyton yelled, running over and dropping to the floor next to him.

He was shaking, causing her to feel scared in a way she had not felt in a long time. Slowly he pointed towards his jacked across the room. "My pills" Peyton thought she heard, but figured she must be mistaken.

"What?" She questioned. "Pills…for my panic attacks." Lucas struggled to get the words out, but this time Peyton knew what he was saying and recognised the symptoms. It was something she had seen more than a few of the women experience while in prison. Running over to his jacket, she frantically went through the pockets, finally grasping two bottles. One of them she found was his HCM medication, the other one she knew, must be the one he needed

Opening the bottle, she quickly rushed back to Lucas and dropped the pills into his hand, which he swallowed without even examining the dosage. A few seconds more of ragged breathing seemed to pass as Peyton tried to hold him, trying to calm him as the attack seemed to die down. Slowly he got back to his feet, still taking deep breaths, but seemingly almost fully recovered.

"You have panic attacks?" Peyton questioned, hoping that this was not a common thing, but fearing that it was, given that he was on medication.

Lucas looked at her dejectedly, trying to keep a brave face. "I have had them for a while…ever since…since a while." His voice trailed off as he appeared lost in thought. "I'm sorry Peyton." The apology caught her off guard, making her lose her train of thought and making her forget the question she had wanted to ask.

"Sorry for what?" Peyton asked, now feeling confused.

Lucas seemed to recover himself and now carried a rye smile. "I'm supposed to be the therapist and here I am unloading all of my problems on you."

Peyton couldn't help but return his smile, it was something that she had always found irresistible and couldn't help as the corners of her mouth always seemed to lift automatically in response. Shaking her head, she let out a small laugh unintentionally at the irony.

"Actually it's good, I mean not good that any of that happened, but it kind of makes me feel a little less alone in the world." She said, looking into Lucas' eyes, hoping that somehow she would have the answers to help him. "I haven't been able to help anyone in a long time."

"You always help me." Lucas was trying to keep his voice light and Peyton could tell. "And anyway, maybe one day you'll tell me about the things that happened to you and I can return the favour."

Peyton felt her resolve weaken at seeing that continuous smile and feeling that gaze upon her, those crystallised blue eyes still containing the ability to see into her soul. "Maybe" she said, unable to contain a grin, thinking of times when they had both been so open together.

* * *

Brooke sat pressing her intercom phone buzzer furiously, trying to get through to her new assistant Jen. It seemed Jen spent all too much time on her own phone and very little actually trying to be an assistant. Perhaps if her morning coffee did not arrive shortly, Brooke felt that Jen would find herself searching for scraps on the unemployment line. Finally a ditzy voice answered, care free and nice natured in its tone. She was a sweet little thing and Brooke knew on hearing her, her job might just be safe a little while yet, even if she really did want that coffee.

"Jen, coffee ten minutes ago" she snapped "and don't get it wrong this time."

"Ok I'll get right on it Miss Davis." Came the reply and Brooke knew that this meant nothing. Her coffee could arrive in two minutes, or two hours. Despite that though, it was not Jen that was ruining her mood.

The new design layouts were terrible, leaving her in a mad panic to re-arrange everything. It seemed that Brooke found the saying true; if you want something doing right you better do it yourself. This just seemed to fall on top of everything else that she had wanted to forget. This would not be a day that that could happen. Out of the corner of her eye Brooke saw a tall blonde storming down the corridor towards her and knew immediately by the woman's walk and presence, who it would be soon entering her office.

Peyton stormed furiously ahead and Brooke could feel a heavy breeze, as her glass door was shoved open with surprising force by her skinny blonde former friend.

"I can't believe you Brooke. I can't believe you would blame me for the way Lucas is because Dan died." Peyton yelled and Brooke was shocked, momentarily stuck for something to say, before lashing out.

"It is your fault, all of it is." She snapped viciously.

"What?" Peyton shouted back in surprise. "Not everything can be blamed on me Brooke. Sometimes people have to be responsible for their own lives. I didn't cause Lucas to kill Dan."

Brooke was confused, it seemed like Lucas had told her about that, but she had missed the point entirely. "I don't blame you for killing Dan, Peyton, it's everything else."

Peyton seemed further infuriated by this, but looked as confused as she herself was. "What Brooke? What else can all be traced back in your bizzaro world of blame everything on Peyton?"

"Have you seen Lucas' panic attacks?" Brooke asked trying to lower her voice slightly, with people around the building were starting to notice the argument.

"Yes I saw one today, it was awful, but I didn't cause Dan's death and I didn't cause that." Peyton said defiantly.

Brooke felt her anger building and knew Peyton had to know the truth. "Dan's death didn't cause that Peyton, you did. He had those attacks long before Dan died. He was a wreck and I had to sit there and listen to him fret over you and where you were. It's all he ever talked to me about for months." She finished, trailing off almost inaudibly. Peyton looked stunned and slightly horrified as the impact of Brooke's statement sunk in.

"But…but he barely spoke to me before I left." She said softly.

"Oh Peyton, he was planning his wedding, but we all knew he was marrying the wrong girl." Brooke felt sad for Peyton, but still resented the impact her leaving had on Lucas.

"I'm sorry for that Brooke, but I still can't be held responsible for Lucas being sad. I asked him to be with me and he proposed to Lindsey."

"You should have said yes to him the first time." Brooke found herself snapping again in irritation, knowing that she had said something not even she believed to be true.

"I was nineteen and scared to death, I only wanted some time and he left me Brooke, nobody blames him for that, I don't either. I just don't see how you can blame me for doing the same thing. You really blame me for that?" Peyton finished questioningly.

"Yes" Brooke responded instantly, but now doubted the validity of her own answer, knowing she harboured her own resentment that was too much to bear. "What about me Peyton?" The words escaped her mouth before she could stop them.

"What?" Peyton asked, looking confused and upset.

"You left me Peyton, what did I do to deserve that? I needed you. I was adopting a baby, my evil mother wouldn't leave me alone and you left. None of us heard from you for five years. Did you really expect everyone to just role out the welcome mat? You were my best friend." Her tirade left her feeling empty as she felt the tears forming in her eyes, forcibly trying to hold them back, as not to show Peyton how much she had missed her.

The words seemed to hit Peyton hard; she visibly staggered back as if physically struck. "Brooke I…"

Brooke couldn't take an apology now, she wasn't ready, seeing Peyton again, thinking back to that time and the impact it had on her life, it was something she was still too bitter about to forgive. "Don't apologise Peyton, just go." She said forcibly, pointing towards the exit.

Peyton was unable to find anymore response to that and Brooke watched her turn on her heel, walking out of her office down the corridor as quickly as possible. Once Peyton was out of site, Brooke finally let go and reached for her tissues ready to cry in a way she had refused to for a long time.

* * *

Lucas sat reading, happy to have his nine o'clock appointment cancelled and enjoying the time to read. The desire to classic books had been eluding him for a while now, but this morning he had felt refreshed and considered which piece of literary wizardry he would like to take in this morning. Finally last night he had decided he would read 'Of Human Bondage' and he had barely slept for finding the joy of reading a great novel once again. As he continued reading, one passage in particular stuck with him and gave him pause for thought.

"It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it; but the young know they are wretched, for they are full of the truthless ideals which have been instilled into them, and each time they come in contact with the real they are bruised and wounded."

Lucas considered the ideals he had felt long ago and how they had passed by. The real had certainly bruised and wounded him, and everybody else he knew. However, despite this, he felt an optimism thinking of the better moment's life could bring, knowing that it was those who only focused on the bad that continually felt bruised and wounded by life. It was something he felt he needed to remind himself of, whenever he was getting down.

Opening up to Peyton again had lifted his spirits in a way he could not explain and he only hoped that she could open up to him the same way. It was something that he found himself longing for, for both of them.

His reading was interrupted as his intercom buzzed. "Your brother is here to see you Dr Scott." Lucas was stunned. It was not long ago that Nathan had vowed never to speak to him again, but now he was here. Lucas felt a hope that maybe he would get a second chance, but repressed it in order to lessen any potential disappointment.

"Tell him to come through." Lucas answered, as he waited for what he knew would not be an easy conversation.

* * *

Nathan entered Lucas' office feeling a barely contained hatred towards the man that had killed his father. He had always known that Dan was not a good man, but it was not for Lucas to decide whether or not he should live or die, and to Nathan that made him every bit as bad as Dan could ever be. Haley was adamant that it could not be his fault, but the look in Lucas' eyes as he had told him what had happened that night, it had confessed his guilt and they had both known it.

Seeing Lucas here now, it only re-affirmed his desire to keep him away from his family. Lucas was always one to play moral judge and jury; he did not know where the limits were. To his cost Nathan had discovered just how dangerous someone like that could be and Jamie's chance to know his grandfather had been lost. Jamie had cried for weeks and Nathan had been unable to find the right words to say, only telling him that granddad had had an accident and Uncle Lucas had to move away. Looking into his eyes now, he only wished that Lucas no longer existed, and had his own feelings of guilt to carry for that as well.

"Hey Luke" he said, trying to keep a level tone in his voice.

"Hey Nathan it's nice to…"

Nathan knew he could not bear to see Lucas start talking and felt he had to interrupt. "Lucas don't, I'll keep this short. Stay away from my family and if you have anything good left in you at all stay away from Peyton as well. You'll only wreck her life like you wrecked everyone else's." Immediately feeling the need to leave he turned away.

"Nate, wait a minute I never meant to hurt anyone." Lucas pleaded.

"Yeah Dan would say that a lot, but turns out you're just like him. When it came down to it you had it in you to kill one of your own family. You're just like him, ruining everything you touch. You're toxic." Nathan felt his anger boiling over and knew he had to get out.

"I never did anything to intentionally hurt anyone, how could you say those things?" Lucas asked sadly.

"You brought this on yourself. You let him go didn't you?" Nathan asserted bitterly.

"I…" Lucas responded, turning away suddenly.

"Yeah that's what I thought." Nathan said, shaking his head as he turned and headed out the door, knowing that pushing Lucas out of his family's life, however sad, was something that had to be done.

* * *

Haley rolled over in bed searching slowly for awareness as felt the call of morning beckon; enjoying the thought of her day's vacation she had decided to take, so that she could spend some quality time alone with Nathan. Time alone was always something they had found hard to come by since Jamie had been born, and while it was a joy to watch him grow up, sometimes they both craved that time to themselves.

Her eyes still closed, she moved her hand across the sheets, hoping to gently nudge Nathan awake. As her hand continued to move around the covers, slowly she began to realise there was nothing but an empty space. The conversation that they had had recently was still fresh in her mind and suddenly as her senses started to flash awake, she feared for where he had gone. Hearing a car pull up in the driveway, Haley frantically jumped out of bed, putting on her dressing gown, before rushing down the stairs, hoping that Nathan had simply gone out for something, but not to do what she had feared he might.

Entering the kitchen, she saw his face as he walked through the door. He looked upset and angered and Haley knew her fears were justified. Her mind was awash with questions, leaving her momentarily unable to think of which to ask first, so she started with the most obvious one.

"Where have you been?" Haley asked trying her best not to sound too worried.

"It doesn't matter, let's just get ready and go out." Nathan snapped.

"Nathan!" Haley said sternly, in demand of an answer.

"I went to see Lucas ok. It's done, I made myself clear. I don't want him anywhere near us." Nathan's eyes were burning with bitterness, leaving Haley unable to contain herself any longer.

"Nathan. He's your brother." She pleaded.

"He killed Dan. He killed him, why should he be anywhere near us. He'd be in jail if it was down to me, just like Dan was." Nathan's anger only seemed to be growing.

"He didn't kill him Nathan you know that." Haley snapped angrily.

"He pushed him and then he dropped him. What more do you need to know?" Nathan asked harshly.

"It wasn't that simple Nathan, Dan would have killed him." Haley now found herself yelling at the top of her voice, which seemingly stunned Nathan for a moment.

"Of course he'd say that Haley, but you don't know do you?" He said softly.

Haley could contain herself no longer, feeling that Lucas go take whatever he had made her promise and shove it, it was time Nathan knew the truth and she stopped hiding the biggest secret she had ever had. For too long it had been an elephant in the room driving an invisible wedge between them and it was time it stopped.

"I was there Nathan. I saw Dan strangling the life out of him. I saw it right up until the point he hit me and shoved me to the ground. He was evil Nathan and this is just, it's all wrong." Suddenly Haley felt the bitter chill in the room and eeriness of the silence that accompanied it. She had yelled at the top of her lungs, and now Nathan seemed completely glued to the spot and unresponsive. Unable to take in the sight any longer, she turned away, feeling the shame at the secret that had been harboured for so long.

"Haley why…I…I don't understand." She could hear Nathan's approach and suddenly his arms were around her holding her. "Why didn't you tell me?" He asked sadly.

"Lucas made me swear, he told me he would confess to killing him if I told anyone, he was so scared Nathan. He thought you would hate me and Jamie would suffer. I didn't know what to do, it was so messed up." Haley could feel streams of tears falling down her cheeks, unable now to hold back. The strain of carrying that secret had left her feeling trapped for so long, and now with the freedom of releasing it, she only hoped Nathan could forgive her.

Nathan's arms seemed to hold on tighter as continued to embrace her. "I'm…I'm really sorry, I don't know what to say. I just wished you'd told me."

* * *

Peyton felt the weight of guilt pressing down upon her since her encounter with Brooke. Her leaving had hurt Lucas and Brooke badly, and it was something she could not shake off. In her heart she knew it could not be all her fault, not with how things were at the time, but the thought of his sadness and Brooke's was still something that always caused a pain in her heart.

Lucas had opened his heart to her in their last meeting and now she felt perhaps it was time that she offered him something in return, even if it was just moral support. Approaching the doorway to his apartment, Peyton took a deep breath and readied herself to look into those eyes again, knowing that he could see every bit of pain she had ever experienced.

Knocking on the door loudly, she hoped Lucas would be home and the trip across town had not been wasted. This was something Peyton wanted to do here in person, and not at the office that always felt so formal.

Slowly the locks on the door could be heard opening and it creaked open. Lucas stood there and it was like re-visiting their past, as he stood there casually in his jeans and a tight red t-shirt that accentuated all the right muscles that presently, she knew she had to keep her mind off of. Nothing had changed, but for slight scruffy but admittedly cute beard he was growing. His eyes already looked searchingly into hers and at once she knew this would not be easy. Those blues spheres reflecting light back into her green orbs, were the only ones that ever really saw the real her. This would be more difficult than she had first thought.

* * *

Looking deeply into Peyton's eyes, he felt an unspoken acknowledgement between them as he felt like he was seeing her open up in her own way. Her body language was so determined, as if somehow a lost sassiness had been re-discovered. Her tight jeans and t-shirt left him longing for past times when he was free to admire her. Every slim curve seemed to only further draw him in, as he longed to enjoy the sweet scent of her hair and feel close to her once more.

Her eyes seemed to be reading his mind, causing him to avert his gaze. Those green eyes he could never hide from and didn't want to, were something he only wanted to lose himself in once more, but Lucas felt the timing for them had passed. This longing he felt, this desire to be with her, to hold her and everything else, only now seemed a torture in its intensity.

Realising seconds had passed without greeting, as they stood in the doorway; Lucas searched for words, but was almost drawing a blank. Opening the door wider, he merely gestured for her to come inside, hoping to buy time in finding the words to say what he had wanted to say for a long time.

Peyton walked past him and he turned round, now sure he had the short but simple set of words he needed. "I'm…" he started.

Peyton interrupted him suddenly. Her arms were around him holding him tight as he felt the comforting warmth of her body against his. She nuzzled her head softly against his shoulder, and he once again had the opportunity to bury his nose in her hair, just enjoying the time he could be this close to her. It was the most content he had felt since…since…

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Luke." Peyton said in muffled tones, still pressing her head tightly to him. It shocked Lucas to hear her apologise and he knew none of this was her fault.

Pulling away from the hug and stepping back, he held her firmly by the arms as he bent down slightly to look deep into her eyes. This was something he wanted her to be sure of with no hint of doubt.

"No Peyton. I'm sorry. All those years ago, all you wanted was time and I was too selfish and blinded to give it to you." Lucas finished seriously, knowing he had found the right words that had been buried too deep for too long.

"I'm ready to tell you about it now." Peyton said softly, wiping away her tears on his sleeve.

"Tell me about what?" Lucas asked, knowing what the answer might be, but still finding himself unsure.

"Everything" Peyton said determinedly, looking into his eyes, leaving him feeling more alive once again.


	7. Chapter 7: Please Don't Go

A/N: So I know this took a little longer, but still not that long. I just wanted to make sure certain things were right as I start trying to get LP closer together and get them through all their past stuff. I've enjoyed the reviews so far and I love to get them, but they're not essential. However I do get a certain motivation to write from them and they help me to fix certain mistakes.

**Chapter 7: Please Don't Go**

Lucas sat back in his chair, trying not to show his shock. Peyton, having minutes ago told him she had to tell him everything, was now literally telling him everything. The details of her life since she had left Tree Hill left him feeling horrified. Peyton's stay in prison, with the constant threat of violence surrounding her, and the way she felt about that, certainly made her recent behaviour and aversion to physical touch, easy to understand and that was without taking into account the very worst thing that had happened to her.

The time was approaching when Peyton would inevitably tell him, what Lucas knew was something they had needed to eventually discuss. This had already been hard for her and Lucas had to admit he was unsure if he was even ready to hear it. They very thought of what had happened to her made him sick to his stomach, and left a pang of regret for the fact he had not been there to help her.

"And he pushed me against the wall." Peyton was sobbing as she strained to get the words out. Lucas handed her a tissue, this was important and as much as it pained him to see her like this, it was vital that she kept going.

"You're doing great Peyton, keep going." He said softly, trying to keep his tone as gentle as possible.

"I…I tried to push him off a couple of times, but I couldn't. The look in his eyes it…it was wild. I knew he wouldn't stop. I tried to kick out, but it didn't work. I tried to scream, but he covered my mouth and smiled. Then he ripped his skirt down and he..he…" Peyton didn't seem to be able to finish that sentence, and her distress was evident in reliving that moment. It was something that Lucas knew might haunt her forever.

"He raped you." Lucas finished. Peyton only nodded slowly in reply. "Then what happened?" Lucas asked, knowing that they were nearly there.

"I grabbed for anything behind me and I got hold of something hard, I swung it at his head, I just wanted him off me. He dropped to the floor and I saw the blood but I couldn't react, I just ran. I didn't know what to do, but I…I wanted him to die Lucas."

Her head was now buried in her own lap as she tried to hide her cries. Lucas approached her slowly, crouching down and putting his arms gently around her, hoping to give her the support she needed. "It's not your fault Peyton."

"But I wanted him to die, I killed him." She said sadly.

"That's only normal after what he did, anybody would feel the same way and you panicked, but what's happened to you, it's not right. I know it's hard but sooner or later you're going to have to stop blaming yourself for this." Lucas felt a doubt in his own words, but was not quite sure of why. He knew it was true, Peyton had to try and get past this somehow and eventually she would need to forgive herself.

"But Luke, how can I take that advice when you can't take it yourself?"

"What?" Lucas said in confusion.

"You defended yourself and Haley on that rooftop and you won't forgive yourself for Dan's death."

There it was the source of the doubt in his advice. Even in her current state, Peyton was right. It seemed it was easier to give advice at times than follow it yourself.

"You're right Peyton. I have to forgive myself."

Peyton looked up, still with floods of tears in her eyes and laughed slightly. "What are you laughing at?" Lucas asked quizzically.

"Just us, we're both idiots." Peyton was now regaining her composure.

"Yeah I guess we are." Lucas replied with a smirk, knowing that perhaps right here, they had both had some kind of breakthrough.

* * *

"Oh whatever, you know those new pumps rock." Brooke's voice echoed through the kitchen after a long days shopping. Haley felt dead on her feet and knew it had been a mistake to promise Brooke anything like a full day of looking for new clothes. While she did enjoy a good shopping trip, sometimes Brooke could be a little overwhelming.

"Yes they do, but did you really have to spend thousands of dollars in one day?" Haley asked.

"In fact I did, because I am going out with my guy tonight and I need to look my best. And like I always say, if you've got it spend it." Brooke's smile was one that Haley knew was always the result of a profitable shopping trip.

Seeing the opportunity to press something that she had needed to talk about, Haley decided to try and slip the topic in while Brooke was in a good mood. "Well in future either give me more notice or find someone else to take shopping, like Peyton."

"Oh no you don't teacher wife, she doesn't deserve a second chance after what she did." Brooke asserted angrily.

"Oh come on Brooke, Peyton was devastated at the time and she's been through a lot. You know that." Haley snapped in frustration. As far as she was concerned Peyton had been through more than enough and it was time both her and Lucas were given a break.

"Well I'm with Brooke." A shout came from Nathan as he entered the kitchen. "As far as I'm concerned both her and Lucas can rot."

Haley had seen a marked change in the way Nathan had reacted to the mention of Lucas name in recent days, but he still hadn't quite let go of his grudge and it was evident in the tone of his voice.

"You two need to give them both a break. And you Nathan need to talk to your brother." Haley finished in frustration.

"Well I don't have to do anything apart from get ready to go out." Brooke asserted with a smile as she gathered up her shopping bags and swept defiantly out of the house.

Haley looked at Nathan showing her annoyance, but he only smiled at her and kissed her gently on the cheek. "I'm going for a run." He said in avoidance, before he also left, leaving Haley to contemplate how messed up everything still was.

* * *

Nathan tried to shake off what Haley had said, but it kept lingering in his mind. He didn't even know where to start with what Haley had told him about that night. Lucas had defended her and killed Dan, but had he killed Dan? Everything was all so confusing now and Nathan knew that sooner rather than later he needed to figure this all out. The memories of Jamie's face when he had told him the news were ones that would haunt him forever and that was only made harder by the fact he had had to lie to him about what had happened.

As he continued to run, the truth of it began to sink in and hurt like nothing else. He had always envisaged a time, even after Keith's death, when Dan would become a better man. Nathan had been so sure that he was starting to become that man and now the reality was setting in. Dan had never changed, not for an instant and now he could be pushing away his only brother, to defend a false memory of the man who was their father.

* * *

Brooke rushed to put the finishing touches to her makeup, readying herself for a night out with the guy she had started to see again a while ago. Part of her was so happy for tonight and excited by everything. Another part of her though couldn't shake the cloud of depression that had settled over her head. Haley, annoying, overly intelligent, always right Haley was right again. Peyton had been through a lot and it was selfish to hold her leaving against her. Lucas had broken her heart and it was understandable. Only it still hurt so much, never to have received so much as a phone call in five years.

A time had come where it might be time to let the past stay in the past. Brooke knew that at the very least she needed to talk to Peyton again. Despite everything, she missed Peyton and she wanted her best friend back. Standing up to make sure her dress looked just right, Brooke took a long look into her full length mirror, before being interrupted by a knock at the door.

Almost giddily she skipped from her bedroom to answer as quickly as possible. Usually she would like to make a guy wait a little, but now with this man at the door, Brooke knew they were beyond those games. Slowly opening the door, she smiled at the tall brooding dark haired ruggedly gorgeous man stood before her.

"Hey Brooke" He said with his slightly arrogant smirk she had grown to love.

Brooke's smile broadened in reply as it took her a second to answer while she had stared at him. "Hey Owen"

* * *

A month had passed since she had been at his house. Telling Lucas everything had been hard for Peyton, but afterwards they had both felt a weight lift. In the sessions that had followed they had talked like old times. Everything was getting almost too comfortable and yet guiltily Peyton found herself smiling. Sitting in the waiting room she was almost sad to realise that they had already had their last mandatory session. After this she no longer had any excuse to be in Lucas' life and Peyton knew she would have to move on, something that would be helped by the news that she would break to him today.

Receiving the nod from the secretary Peyton took a deep breath before entering Lucas' office for what would be the last time.

"Hey Luke" She said, smiling sadly.

"Hey Peyton, what's up?" He asked, obviously surprised to see her here.

"I got a new job." Peyton replied.

"Peyton, that's great." Lucas jumped in smiling, getting up from his seat. "In music?"

"Yeah I'll be almost starting again, but it's something."

"Well that's fantastic, come here." Lucas said happily pulling her into a tight hug; these were hugs that Peyton knew she would miss greatly. "Let's go out and celebrate." Peyton desperately pulled herself away, knowing that Lucas might not be so happy at the next piece of news.

"What's wrong?" He asked, now looking deeply confused.

"It's in LA. I have to leave tomorrow. Desperately she tried to keep a tear from forming in her eyes. Too much had happened and Peyton knew she needed a fresh start, but now the look in Lucas' eyes was difficult to ignore and it caused her so much pain to see his reaction.

"I…if it's what you want Peyton, I'm happy for you." He said softly and it pained Peyton to hear the acceptance in his voice, knowing that this time they would part ways for good.

* * *

After Peyton had left, Lucas felt himself reeling. She was moving to LA again and he had said nothing. She was right, they had both been through so much and this was a great opportunity for her, another chance for her to fulfil her dreams and yet all he felt inside himself was a desire to ask her to stay. Lucas knew that he could not ask that, not now after all this time, it would be selfish.

Receiving a buzz on his intercom, he pressed the button and waited to hear who would next be entering his office. "Your brother to see you Dr Scott" came the call.

"Oh great" Lucas snapped sarcastically. He was not ready for another argument with Nathan, not now. "Tell him to come through."

* * *

Nathan entered the office and saw what looked like a broken man. Something had happened and he had not seen this look for a long time. Only Peyton ever had this affect on him. Pushing that aside for a moment Nathan knew that he had his own answers to find and that he wanted to be nowhere near any Lucas and Peyton melodrama.

Looking up from his desk, Nathan saw Lucas sigh. "What can I do for you Nathan?" He asked.

Nathan felt it was best to get straight to the point. "Haley told me what happened; she told me what happened that night on the roof." He was trying to do his best to keep calm, but the thought of that night still angered him.

"Nathan I…I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I was worried for Haley." Lucas replied regretfully.

"You still should have told me Luke."

"I know." Lucas said sadly, lowering his head. Nathan could see the regret and he felt bad for pushing Lucas all this time, but there was still one more answer he needed.

"I know you did what you thought was best you always have, but there's still one thing I need to know." Nathan paused a second as Lucas looked intensely at him. It seemed he knew the question before it was even asked. "Did he fall or did you let him go?" Nathan asked.

Lucas look seemed strained. "I…The truth is I don't know." He answered dejectedly. "I've tried for so long to remember, but I can't. That's the only answer I can give you."

Nathan felt angered by Lucas' answer. Surely he had to know if he had let him go or not, but seeing him now, the look in his eyes told him that Lucas truly had no idea what had happened.

"You were never the same after she left Lucas, I don't know what that did to you, but you've gotta let all that go. You've still got that look, even now." It was true, the day Peyton had left, a darkness had settled over Lucas' head and he had behaved strangely ever since. If it weren't for that he would never have believed Lucas would ever hurt Dan intentionally. After the day she had left though he had been more frustrated and even violent than Nathan had ever seen him. The basketball team were the first to suffer.

"She's leaving again Nate. I thought I was ok with it, but I…I don't think I can do this again." Lucas responded miserably.

"Then tell her you don't want her to go." Nathan snapped harshly. "Damn it Lucas, don't make the same mistake again."

"I don't know if I can." Lucas said, almost accepting defeat.

"Then you're a coward. You know what you want and you're not doing anything about it. You two drive me insane." Nathan could feel his frustration boiling over and turned quickly to leave the office without looking back. He had seen something today, a spark of the old Lucas that just for a second had given him hope for them to rekindle what they had once shared. Nathan had to admit to himself that he missed his brother intensely.

* * *

Brooke approached the door unsure of what she was doing here. She had let her heart make a decision and it was one that she knew was important. Now knocking on the door, time dragged on as Brooke waited for an answer. Loud noises could be heard on the other side as she realised perhaps the knock had not been heard. As she raised her hand to knock again the door pulled open away from her fist.

"Brooke" Peyton said in surprise. "Come in"

Looking around Brooke could see the apartment was sparse, like nobody was living here. "This is…nice Peyton, but it's a little empty."

"I'm moving tomorrow, so I've just got done packing everything up, not that there was much anyway." Peyton said glumly "got to cart this stuff to LA, so it's actually nice to not have too much to take."

It took a moment for the news to sink in. Peyton was moving back to LA, her reaching out had been too late. "Why are you moving?" Brooke asked, trying to work out why Peyton would already re-locate.

"I got a new job. Go me." Peyton replied, putting on her best fake smile. "It's not exactly a dream and it's kinda back at the start, but it's in music and it beats working at a checkout counter."

"Peyton I know I was hard on you before and I'm still mad, but I'm happy for you." Brooke tried to keep the sadness from her voice, hurting to lose her best friend once more. "Keep in touch this time ok?"

"I will Brooke." Peyton promised catching her by surprise, grabbing her and pulling her into a tight hug that she returned. It was hard to see her leave again, but this hug and having some semblance of her best friend in her life, knowing that she would be ok had made this all so much better than it had been in a long time.

* * *

Nathan was right, at some point Lucas knew he had become a coward. Now he had to correct that, he had to do what he felt was right for both he and Peyton. It had taken a lot to admit his own feelings to himself, but the thought of losing Peyton again was too much to bear. As he approached her apartment building, Lucas only hoped that she had not yet left. All he prayed for now was one chance to tell her how he felt.

Getting out of the taxi across the street from her building, he saw a blonde loading her bags into the car. Lucas knew it was Peyton instantly from the lines of her and the way her hair feel just so down her back. He had forgotten over time what it was like to observe someone so intently that every detail was absorbed, never to be forgotten. It was a blessing in the good times and a curse in the bad. Peyton would never be forgettable.

She finished loading her last bag as Lucas closed the taxi door, barely remembering to tip the driver. The door to her taxi shut as it prepared to leave and Lucas felt almost helpless. In desperation he dashed across the street dodging traffic to get to her, hoping for any delay that would let him reach her in time. Finally he stood in front of the bonnet almost being run down by the cab as it had prepared to set off.

Peyton got out of the car looking bemused. "Lucas what are you doing?" She yelled.

"I had to see you." Lucas said, with his breathing still ragged. "Peyton I…I don't want you to go."

The shock on her face was evident. "I have to Lucas." She said sadly. "There's nothing but painful memories here."

Lucas felt himself losing the battle, but knew he couldn't survive losing her again. "What if we could change that?" He asked, hoping that she would see the same future for them as he did. "Stay Peyton" Lucas pleaded.

"Why would I stay after everything…everything with us?" Peyton asked, tears now starting to form in her eyes. Lucas could see the hurt of all those years they had been apart and he knew there was only one thing he had left to say. It was the truest thing he would ever say and something he knew after all this time had never changed.

"Because I still love you Peyton, I always have. It's still you I want next to me, no matter what happens." It took all his strength to hold back his own tears as he saw Peyton's face, hoping that somewhere inside of her, she could still feel that way about him in return.


	8. Chapter 8: 2 Weeks, 1 Day

A/N: So I really wanted to try and get this chapter right, but it took me a while to get my head round it. There was a lot of stuff I wanted to weave into it and I just hope I got it right. As always I'm not massively hung up on getting reviews, but I do like them and they help me to fix things or to know what I'm doing well. They also do provide some motivation for me to update in good time. Flashbacks for this chapter will be in italics and as a quick disclaimer, I used The Verve's Love is Noise lyrics which I obviously don't own. I also don't own One Tree Hill or any old scenes from it that are used in this chapter. Anyways sorry for the rambling and I hope you enjoy it :).

**Chapter 8: 2 Weeks, 1 Day, 4 Hours and 20 Minutes**

"I was blind - couldn't see  
We are one incomplete  
I was blind - in the city  
Waiting for light wind to be saved  
Cause love is noise and love is pain  
Love is these blues that I'm singing again  
Love is noise and love is pain  
Love is these blues that I'm singing again, again"

Peyton found herself mumbling the lyrics to a fabulous new song by The Verve, but found it slightly irritating that every song seemed to remind her of what had gone before. Every time she had felt so close to getting her dreams, part of her had run away, and had been scared to open up. Her mind wandered back to one night long ago; the first time she had left Lucas standing there, his face showing how she had hurt him.

_Peyton led Lucas into the bedroom and quickly they spun round. Instantly her body was pressed against his, her hand clutching his cheek as she pressed her lips passionately to his. The tender caress of his lips gave her the first spine tingling emotion filled kiss of her life. His hands moved to her face and the scene grew more heated, their hands groping for every bit of shapely body they could find. Peyton knew she wanted more in that moment, anything to feel the comfort of Lucas within her. Her hands now found his jacket and with feverish excitement she helped him remove it, before kissing Lucas' neck and surrendering herself as his tie came off next._

_The buttons of his shirt seemed to almost undo themselves and she felt herself striving to kiss his slim but firm torso, all the while their moans growing in volume._

"_I've wanted this for so long." Lucas said softly, awakening Peyton from her state of passionate abandon._

_Trying to get back to that state she said "Me too and now we can have it" but really she already knew in her heart it was too late for that. Lucas' hands moved to her chest and Peyton was suddenly so much more conscious of her racing heartbeat. His warm hands almost making it skip, but driving a fear into her that had been buried deep for so long._

"_No no no I don't mean just that. I want this. Ya know, I wanna be here." His hand was firmly pressed to her chest, covering her heart and she could feel the bullets strike as her mind had imploded with fear. "I want to have everything with you. I want it all." Lucas' hands now came back to her face and the stunning look of his eyes made Peyton want for nothing more than to kiss him and tell him she had wanted it too. Only her mind would not allow it. "I want us." He finished and now it had finished her off too, as her instinct for flight had taken over._

The exact words that came next were lost to her now, but Peyton knew she had run away from her first opportunity to be loved and love back. It was a moment that had haunted her for years until finally they had finally gotten together. Now it was haunting her again, just as that night in the hotel room did and just as that moment on the street now would. Every time she had gotten so close to having that special something, life had gotten in the way and in those moments, her mind had always been too screwed up to give the answer that in her heart of hearts, she had so longed to give. Peyton suffered for that moment and looking back could not understand why she had responded the way she had when Lucas had confessed his love for her, just two short weeks ago.

"_Why would I stay after everything…everything with us?" Peyton had asked, knowing there was only one answer she had been looking for and was still longing for after all this time._

"_Because I still love you Peyton, I always have. It's still you I want next to me, no matter what happens." And there they were; the words from Lucas that every part of her had wanted to hear. The only thing that was left to do was run into his arms and say she loved him too. _

_But when the time came all she had said was "I can't Luke, I'm sorry I just can't."_

The look on his face was emblazoned in her mind, still hurting her every waking moment. It was another moment that in her dreams Peyton wished she could take back, but knew that now it was too late. As the taxi pulled away, all she could feel was numb. That feeling had left her quicker than it usually had, which caused her so many mixed emotions that the only thing Peyton knew for certain anymore, was that this city still held unfinished business for her. It had been nearly time to board her flight when she had turned around and headed back to her apartment.

Dwelling on this was exhausting and making the simple task of grocery shopping painful. Realising that she had been stood over the fresh lettuce crate for the better part of five minutes, Peyton made herself move forward. For now she knew that getting from moment to moment was the most important thing, but soon Peyton knew that soon she would have to tell Lucas that she was stayed in New York.

Two weeks, one day, three hours and twenty seven minutes had passed since they had last spoken; they were minutes that Peyton only wished she could rewind. Now any chance to make the right choice was one she knew would be taken with both hands. It seemed nothing had changed over the years, the same mistakes were still being made, but now finally Peyton Sawyer would fix that once and for all.

* * *

Lucas sat at his kitchen table, a morning breeze flowing through the room and helping to keep things cool as the sun also beamed in, causing him to squint faintly. The past few weeks had been slow, everything moving at an agonising pace that left him sure there was no purpose left to his life. His only saving grace, the only thing he was ever completely sure had been right in his life had now collapsed. Two weeks, one day, three hours and thirty five minutes had passed; all Lucas wanted now was to turn back the clock. He still felt there had to be something else he could say, but the words had not come. Peyton had rejected him once again and all he had felt since was the world falling to pieces around him in his lonely existence, his main contact being with people that were for the most part completely nuts.

Haley had assured him he had done everything he could, but Lucas could not convince himself to agree. Peyton's words had been crushing, but the look in her eyes told a different story. He had sensed her reluctance to get back in that taxi, but had been too stunned to react. It was just one more thing he would add to his list of regrets as his mind stumbled across many others.

_The regret had been evident in Peyton's eyes as Lucas found himself stood there once again. He had said the most awful things to her and her response had been one that his heart had not dared to hope for. "Because I should have said yes." She had said softly._

"_Luke I was young and I was scared. I didn't realise by saying I wasn't ready it would mean we would never be together again. Had I known that I would have said yes." The timing was all wrong, but those words broke his heart if only for the fact he still wanted her so badly, but had given his heart to someone else._

"_Peyton" Lucas said defiantly, wanting to reject what she had said._

"_No Luke, I miss you every day and I've told everyone here I didn't come back for you, but I did, of course I did. I still love you Lucas." Those words, to hear them again from her re-awakened a part of his heart that he had hidden away for so long and he felt a lock break inside himself, as his resolve weakened.._

"_Peyton I…" Before he could finish, or even begin to form a coherent thought, Peyton's hands caressed his face as her lips pressed to his. As they parted he knew this was wrong and wanted to tell her this could not happen. He was with Lindsey now and Lucas Scott would not cheat._

_That was what he had tried to convince himself of, but the look in Peyton's eyes only made his heart melt. Before Lucas could even begin to think he had pulled her in again, kissing her with a forgotten passion that had burned inside of him for three years before that, since that very day he had left her in the hotel room._

The kiss had seemed to last forever and it was a forever he still wanted to get back to, a moment to lose himself in where nothing else in the world matter. Their lips parted and their foreheads touched. All he had wanted to do was lose himself to her once again, yet the hurt was still there. Part of him wanted to push her away, to make her feel what he had once felt and another part of him knew that at that time he still loved Lindsey.

That night when he had proposed, he knew now that he was scared to be alone again. What he had done to both Peyton and Lindsey had been terrible, but never would he feel as bad as he did in remembering the stricken look on Peyton's face. It had at once been so hopeful, and then turned to heartbreak in an instant. So far had Lucas pushed Peyton out that it had taken years to fully realise the impact of that instant. A moment that along with saying "I do" to Lindsey, would ultimately lead to Peyton leaving Tree Hill.

Sitting now at his kitchen table, here he was, Lucas Scott, looking at a box of old keepsakes and feeling sorry for himself. So many good times with Peyton that he would never give back, not for anything, even if they did come with the agony of now knowing he had lost her forever. It was time to put this old box away, but Lucas knew it would not be long before he would visit it again.

Two weeks, one day, three hours and thirty nine minutes had now passed and Lucas wanted to rewind them all. Over five years he wanted back for that moment where he should have told Peyton he still loved her and nine years back to a day when he should have waited for her to be ready. So much pain could have been avoided if only he could have had a little patience.

The agony of thinking of all this, the cool breeze outside and the blazing sun left Lucas with one feeling this morning, and it was the feeling that he had to get out of here before his head exploded.

* * *

Peyton was sure that in her daze half of the groceries had been forgotten, but for now, walking down the street, she felt oddly calm. Bags in hand, she felt the need to revisit the style of her youth as she passed a local thrift store. It was a style that had she had left to her teen years, but always wished it was still fashionable for a woman of twenty six to wear. There were always old gems to be found here, the forgotten elements of ages past that could be brought back into style, if only people had the daring to wear them again.

It only took her minutes to realise the mistake of coming here, the past once more flashing in front of her in the form of a dress. It seemed the reminders were everywhere now and stood before Peyton was a turquoise dress. It was not really like the one she had worn at the prom they had gate crashed, but the colour still triggered a memory in her that she would rather have repressed.

"…_I'm so in love with you." Peyton said, looking into those perfect blue eyes of his, just waiting for both herself and Lucas to give, what before now they had been too afraid to give to each other in expression of their complete love for each other._

"_I love you too Peyton." Lucas replied, looking back at her. Peyton could see nothing but the sweetest purest intention to Lucas' thoughts, as if only holding her would be enough, even as they both loved and lusted for more._

There had been times when sex had meant something to her, but it was not like that one special time. That time Peyton would almost call herself a virgin, for not once before that, had she felt a complete love pass between her and someone else, where she would call it making love and not just the base level act of having sex. Lucas was still the only one that she had ever had that with to this day, and he was still the one that she wanted that with now, if only she could face her fear and talk to him.

For now there were just too many memories everywhere. It seemed they would just flood her senses. Exiting the store as quickly as she could manage, she almost ran, trying to find the quickest way back to her apartment and back to a sanctuary from her own thoughts that may not even exist. Two weeks, one day, four hours and sixteen minutes had now passed since potentially the worst mistake of her life to date. Peyton still wanted all of that time back.

* * *

Lucas found himself aimless wandering. He was now miles from home, but enjoying the sun on his back and the wind in his hair. Sadly his mind would not co-operate. Thoughts of Peyton, memories, doubts and all his mistakes still swam around in there and all he felt now was that he might be better off going back home to take some sleeping pills.

It was at times like this that certain thoughts crept in that Lucas always felt guilty about, but ultimately could not ignore, like what his life would be like if he had never spoken to Peyton.

_The toe truck mechanism was lifting up the car as he took the chance to glance at the beautiful blonde once more. Her tangled mess of hair was blowing in the wind and her frustration evident. Lucas had known then he had to say something, to take this chance to speak to her, or perhaps never have the same opportunity again._

"_That's me inside your head." He still felt an idiot to think of it, but looking at her notebook, it was the only thing he had been able to come up with at the time._

"_What?" Peyton replied questioningly._

"_NoFX, it's me inside your head." He had said, pointing out the sticker on Peyton's notebook. "It's the lyrics from..."_

"_I know the song." Peyton replied in a snappy tone. She was clearly irritated by Lucas' very presence._

Looking back on that Lucas could not help but smile and threw any thought of regret away. He had opened up to Peyton that day and in turn she had slowly begun to open up to him. It had started a chain reaction of events that opened up a world of possibility for him. Lucas found himself beginning to realise that all that time, all those years and everything in between had brought him here. He did not want all those years back, not for anything. The time he did want back however was that two weeks, one day, four hours and sixteen minutes.

Realising where he had almost subconsciously walked jolted him out of his reverie. Lucas' looked up and felt like the universe had spoken to him. Only one thing remained now and that was to do what he had failed to do so many times, to truly go after Peyton after one of them had walked away from the other. As he set his mind to the task of organising a trip to Las Angeles, a movement was almost instinctively caught in his field of vision.

Out of the corner of his eye, he had seen a blonde that seemed all too familiar. Peyton had gone, so it could not be her, but subconsciously he had turned to get a better look. Lucas knew that despite all common sense telling him otherwise; it had to be Peyton this close to her old apartment.

Again he found himself dodging traffic, as she rushed to find her. Already the blonde had disappeared around the corner and he ran to catch her, desperate in his need to know if Peyton had by any chance at all come back. Here was the chance he had longed for every minute since she had gotten back into that taxi. Rounding the corner the blonde was again in view.

"Peyton!" Lucas frantically called out, hoping to slow her down as his breathing became short. "Peyton!" He called again, but no reply came. Speeding up and making one last dash he ran as fast as he could, eventually finding himself just behind her as he tapped her on the shoulder.

As she turned around Lucas found his heart breaking all over again. It was not her and his mind had played the cruellest trick of all. Seeing the confused look on the woman's face, all Lucas' could muster in his shortness of breath was "Excuse me, I thought you were someone else." The woman seemed to show a brief look of displeasure, before marching away. Lucas found himself almost bent double, the pain of long forgotten running was now catching up with him, along with the pain of losing Peyton again.

Looking up, he found by some cruel irony, here he was standing in front of Peyton's old apartment building, in the very same spot where he had been frozen just over two weeks ago. Feeling a tap on his own shoulder now, Lucas turned around. The sight before him left his head spinning, his mind unable to find any words at all.

* * *

Peyton was stunned to see him like this, short of breath and stood before her right in front of her building. Sometimes it seemed like somebody was listening to her thoughts, for this was all she had wished for all day and yet now as they both stood here, the words were not easy to find.

"Lucas I…what are you doing here? And why are you…" She was spilling all her thoughts out in an incoherent fashion as she saw Lucas find the words to interrupt her.

"I thought I saw you and I ran…It was someone else, but I just wanted to see you." His breathing was still ragged, but his words touched her and she knew if ever she could find the right words it had to be now.

"Luke I…I wanted to see you too. I've been lost since that day and all I've wanted to do since, is take every minute back and say…and say…" She found herself struggling to finish as that overwhelming fear came to her again. So much water had passed under their bridge. Lucas had married someone else, but now here he was stood before her and Peyton knew that just one moment of bravery could bring her everything she had dreamed of. It could bring her the dreams that were the only thing giving her the will to go on, every day since she had left Tree Hill. Peyton always wanted to picture herself as the realist, but now saw the value in dreaming the impossible dream.

"You wanted to say what Peyton?" Lucas said, the thoughts of being hurt again clearly etched on his face.

"I…I wanted to say that…that I love you Lucas. I always have and I'm sorry I walked away from you, because I was scared and still afraid to ever give my heart to someone again. But you're the only one I've ever given my heart too and I've never wanted to take it back. Every night since I left, every day in that jail cell and every day since I saw you again, all I've wanted is to be with you."

The words had rushed out quicker than she imagined, and now she only hoped Lucas could still feel the same way for her. The look on Lucas' face left her reeling; there was softness in his eyes as they seemed to tear up. She could not tell if they were tears of sadness or tears of joy, and hoped with every inch of her that it was the latter.

* * *

Lucas could feel his eyes tear up; Peyton's words were at once so striking and so beautiful that they had left him in a state of shock. For so long he had hoped to hear only those words and only from her. It was almost too much to believe he heard them now. The scene of them talking and Peyton's passionate words had drawn attention to them and Lucas could feel the eyes of onlookers upon him, but let them fade away until all he saw once again was Peyton.

That same sense of clarity he had felt so many years ago once again washed over him, as all he could hear was silence with Peyton's words reverberating through his mind. The time for words had come and gone, he had said what he had to say the last time they had stood here and now Peyton had done the same, Lucas knew with all certainty that there were no choices left, only the beautiful inevitability that life had brought him to in this very moment.

Stepping forward he caressed Peyton's cheek gently with his hand, staring deeply into those deep green crystallizing eyes. Thoughts seem to pass between them both, in silent acknowledgement of what they had waited for all this time. Lucas pressed his lips to Peyton's as they parted gently for his and his passion for life, love, art and all the grace in world exploded once more. The tingle of her soft caressing lips on his, spreading a warmth throughout his body that he would never let go again.

Two weeks, one day, four hours and twenty minutes seemed to disappear from existence, as time converged between their moments together. It was not that other moments did not exist; it was that they no longer mattered.


	9. Chapter 9: Wondering if We've Got Soul

A/N: I hope the wait wasn't too long, but this chapter turned out quite long in the end. Thanks for all the reviews so far they've been really helpful. They're not essential but reviews do help a lot and provide a motivation to write one, so if you want to leave one that would be great. If there isn't enough drama in this chapter for everyone, don't worry its coming lol. Hope you enjoy the chapter :)

**Chapter 9: I Was Wondering if We've Got That Real Soul**

Peyton rolled over sleepily and delighted in the sight of the firm supple back she found facing her. The past few years had only served to harden the edges of Lucas and he was stronger than she remembered, although just as gentle. It had been so long since she had been able to do this with anyone, spend a whole day in bed and there was now no one else she ever wished to have these moments with.

Closing her eyes again Peyton guiltily remembered the more vividly engrained moments of their day in bed together. The firm caresses of Lucas' lips on hers, the way she had shivered with delight as his had stroked the length of her arm and the look in his eyes as they had crashed down onto the bed. She had found herself repressing a laugh of delight at that moment. It almost should have been harder, the memory of her last sexual experience a horror that always threatened to resurface, but in Lucas' arms Peyton felt safer than at any other time in her life. Memories of anything else simply just floated away, as the look in her eyes had given Lucas the sign he had needed to continue.

Kisses had floated gently along her neck, tracing a line down from her throat to her chest as his lips then gently caressed her breast, causing her to moan in pleasure. The sensations were overwhelming as they both tore at the materials they could reach, now furiously working their way out of their remaining clothes.

Lucas was one step ahead with the protection before Peyton had even thought to ask, everything else was hazy now, just waves of pleasure and the warmth of feeling like as she remembered how good this was. One moment of unease passed as that last sexual memory resurfaced. As Lucas entered her there was no fear, only the comfort and the feeling of being truly home at last.

Lying back and realising that it was still just nine PM, Peyton closed her eyes again and hoped to dream all those moments again. It would be one great dream, a dream to replace all the bad ones that had built up over the last few years.

* * *

Lucas heard Peyton's groans and tried to suppress a grin at thinking of last night; the softness of her skin still a lingering memory on his lips and the smell of her hair still leaving him with a feel of intoxication. The whole day they had been in bed together and it had been years since Lucas had been able to grin like this.

Peyton's kisses were firm and tender as her lips had parted for his and her arms had wrapped their way around his neck. Moving quickly forward they had crashed onto the bed, Lucas' eyes flashing with delight as he saw her repress a giggle. He looked with caution into Peyton's eyes, remembering her past, but her acknowledging look had let him know to continue without fear. Lucas remembered the sensation of tracing a line of kisses down from Peyton's long slim neck down to her perky firm breasts, finding himself unable to repress another smile. The moan that escaped her lips drove him wild with desire.

In a more instinctive animalistic turn they had almost ripped each others clothes off in their determination to be at one with each other. Lucas stretched over to reach the draw, remembering where he had for a long time needlessly kept condoms, looking up to the heavens and thanking his own need just to have them there as a precaution.

The memory of her warmth and the pure thrill of being so physically connected was almost too much and too good. Lucas considered selfishly waking Peyton again, it wasn't so late, but he remembered how tired she had been and decided to let her sleep. Closing his eyes again, Lucas contented himself with the dreamlike memory in his thoughts; both the closeness and warmth of Peyton's body next to his a comfort in itself. Once again he drifted off to sleep, enjoying the idea of speaking to her again in the morning.

As he was drifting off again a knock at the door suddenly alerted him. At first he dismissed it as just another part of a dream, but as it grew constant it became impossible to ignore and Lucas turned over already finding Peyton awake.

"I'll get it. You stay and rest." She said, smiling lightly as she bent down and kissed him, before wrapping his shirt around her and heading for the door.

* * *

Brooke climbed out of the taxi, looking carefully around the dark streets that surrounded Peyton's apartment. The area worried her and Brooke knew this could not be the best place for a single woman to live. Trying to forget that detail she moved towards the building's entrance, happy that Peyton had called her earlier, but still unsure of exactly what they would say to each other.

Approaching the door, Brooke circled around on the spot a few times, mumbling to herself an explanation of how she felt things could be between them now. At the moment even if it was strained, she had to admit that the idea of having her best friend back thrilled her. New York City could be a lonely place to be without many friends, even if Owen had been attached to her hip lately.

Gathering a deep breath, Brooke approached the door and knocked. There was no response, but she knew that Peyton's love of music could mean that a louder knock was required. One thing was certain; Peyton would not be in bed by nine. Knocking loudly and repetitively Brooke slammed her fist against the door.

Eventually, just as she turned to give up, a light giggling could be heard that immediately peaked her curiosity. Peyton giggling was certainly not a common thing, but sure enough the door swung open and there she stood. Brooke's eyebrow raised in reaction, seeing Peyton dressed in nothing but a man's shirt. Seeing Brooke's raised eyebrow, Peyton cowered back in embarrassment.

"Brooke hey, errr…I…erm left you that message, I forgot." Peyton said sheepishly.

"Certainly looks like it. Do you have a man here? Can I see? Can we share?" Brooke teased playfully, but intensely curious as to the identity of Peyton's gentleman caller.

A familiar sounding voice then echoed through the hall. "Peyton are you coming back to bed?" Lucas emerged from around the caller in nothing but a sheet and upon seeing Brooke in the doorway, immediately looked embarrassed.

"Hey Brooke" He said nervously, before shrinking back around the corner out of sight.

Brooke could feel her fury building at the memory of these two people being together. So much had gone wrong since the last time they had split up and it had affected her life intensely, taking two of the most important people in her life from her, figuratively if not literally. Lucas had never been the same after Peyton had left and Peyton had gone completely AWOL for five years. This was a disaster waiting to happen in Brooke's eyes, one that could destroy what she knew was a selfish hope for her own life to be improved by the change in them both.

"I should go" was all Brooke could manage to get out before storming off. Peyton's call of "Brooke wait" could be heard as she continued to walk away, but with her wearing nothing but a shirt Brooke was sure of her escape from this disaster of a situation.

* * *

Peyton's eyes almost welled up with tears as Brooke walked away and she knew that there was some explaining to do, but turning back to see Lucas in his sheet certainly caused a momentary distraction. As far as she was concerned he certainly looked good enough to eat right now, but after the momentary bliss of seeing him in nothing but a sheet, the reality of the situation kicked in and once again Peyton began to worry.

"Don't worry Peyton; we'll talk to her tomorrow." Lucas suddenly had a glint in his eye, obviously not feeling the same worry as her about it all. "Are you coming back to bed?" He asked with a playful grin.

"Yes but just to sleep." She snapped a little too dismissively, causing Lucas' to pout. "Hey it's your own fault, you wore me out." Peyton said playfully, wanting to lighten the mood and let Lucas' hopes for the night down a little more gently.

Lucas laughed and Peyton found herself laughing in response as suddenly she was closer to him than she had planned, her hand now clasping the left side of his face, those blue eyes of his now staring back into hers. "Well I guess we could just sleep in tomorrow." She said, now unable to resist. Lucas smiled in response and lifted her off her feet, causing a giggle to escape as he carried her back to the room.

* * *

Lucas found himself there again on the rooftop of the school, images flickering past him. Dan and Haley, Haley on the ground and then Dan hanging there over the edge were all images flashing around encircling him as he stood here. Reality seemed to fade in and out, there were just too many things about that night that were still hazy and yet now each piece was fitting together like a big jigsaw was near to completion.

_His hand latched onto Dan's flailing right arm with surprising strength, threatening to drag them both over the top. Holding on with everything he had left, Lucas pulled back trying to pry Dan back from the ground below, but it seemed hopeless. "Haley!" he yelled desperately, but she remained lying still on the ground._

_Still struggling to breathe, he reached to grasp Dan's arm with his other hand, hoping for the strength to pull him back onto the roof. Catching Dan's eyes he saw a now panicked look that he felt could haunt him forever._

"_Pull me back up…son." The words pierced Lucas' mind and left him straining without energy. Suddenly he felt his grasp weaken as Dan's arm began to slip through his fingers and his eyes widened. Time now at a complete standstill, Lucas could only watch in horror as he lost control and Dan's arm fell free of his grip. In a millisecond that seemed to last a lifetime, it was over. Dan looking into Lucas' eyes with horror, plummeted to the ground with tremendous force, creating an earth shattering noise as he hit the cement below._

Lucas awoke in a sweat, reeling from what he had just seen. It had all been a dream and he looked around the room, thankful to see Peyton still laid next to him. The memory was now so clear, a vivid recreation that made him feel as if he had only just a few seconds ago lived through it. A wave of relief hit him as Lucas now realised exactly what had happened that night. Dan's words had shocked him, but far from increasing his desire to let go, he had only wanted him punished and felt that death was too easy. He had tried to pull as hard as he could reaching out with his other arm, but his grasp slipped and before Lucas could blink it had been over. There was still a doubt in his mind as to whether he could have done something more, but one thing was now sure. Lucas Eugene Scott had never intentionally killed anyone.

Seeing Peyton shift restlessly in her sleep, Lucas debated the merits of waking her up, sure that he needed to talk with someone about this. Something was causing her restlessness and this made Lucas brow furrow in worry.

* * *

_Peyton sat in the Pugh feeling helpless. The ceremony continued and the words flowed. So badly she wanted to interrupt, but she could not bring herself to ruin the happiest day of both Lucas and Lindsey's life. They both looked so happy and there seemed no doubt as they had spoken the required words._

"_Lucas Eugene Scott do you take Lindsey Evelyn Strauss to be your lawfully wedded wife?_

_Images flashed through her head as she again imagined stopping the wedding with a speech about how he had fixed her car. Peyton felt so stupid at that moment she could have hit herself, trying to regain her composure and wait for the inevitable disaster._

"_Do you promise to be true to her in good times and in bad? In sickness and in health and to love and honour her all the days of your life as long as you both shall live?"_

"_I do" Lucas' response was clear and confident as he looked into Lindsey's eyes. Peyton could only look on in horror, feeling that somehow a part of her life had ended in that moment._

Peyton woke suddenly, sitting bolt upright and realising Lucas had nudged her awake. Sweat covered her face and she could feel the perspiration covering her body. Clearly her sudden movement had caught Lucas by surprise and he looked at her aghast. That day still haunted her now and sitting here on the bed with him only made it clear that their lives could never be simple. This was not something they could avoid, it was the reason she had left town all those years ago and had never been resolved.

"We need to talk." Lucas tone was serious as he looked into her eyes. Peyton knew that he obviously had something on his mind too. She could only nod, but the movement was forceful and determined, letting him know that she too had something on her mind.

* * *

Peyton sat nursing her cup of coffee by the kitchen counter, waiting as Lucas paced the room. Clearly he was shaken by something, but seemingly almost content, only looking for the best way to express what he was feeling. Lucas could be quiet a lot of the time, brooding by himself, unable to really express all the things he wanted to. It could be an attractive intense quality at times, but frustrating at others. When things were good between them though, Peyton knew that they were perhaps the only people who could each be the one the other would open up to completely.

"You go first." She prompted hopefully, wanting to break the silence.

Lucas looked up and as they looked into each others eyes, it seemed he set his self in determination, now ready to speak. "Ok…You remember that night on the rooftop?" He asked.

Peyton felt a shock of worry go through her, knowing that the events of that night had haunted Lucas, feeling the guilt of what her leaving had done to him and that he could ever feel like he had it in him to kill anyone.

"Yes." She said assertively, hoping not much more prompting would be needed.

"I remembered what happened." His voice was almost a whisper, like he barely could believe what he had experienced. "I saw what happened, re-lived it in my sleep. I didn't kill him Peyton."

A thrill of relief shot through her as she realised what this would mean to him. "Oh Luke; that's great right?" Peyton asked hopefully.

"Yeah it is." He sighed contentedly. "Now I just have to figure out what to tell Nathan. I don't know if he'll believe me."

"In time he will." Peyton assured him.

Lucas looked down at the floor, then back up to her re-focusing his attentions. "You're right." He inhaled a deep breath. "Talking with you like this, it's just like all my problems melt away." He smiled and Peyton found the corners of her mouth tugging upwards in reply. "What was it you wanted to talk about?" He asked.

Suddenly Peyton found herself not wanting to talk anymore, not to ruin this moment. "It's nothing it can wait." She was trying to show her most sure tone, but Lucas, his head now seemingly clear, did not appear to be buying it.

"Peyton" He said questioningly. "I know there's something."

Knowing that this had to be brought up eventually, she sighed, only hoping that this would not wreck everything that was so perfect only moments ago. "Promise you won't be mad."

"How could I be mad at you?" He asked, now looking confused.

"Just promise." Peyton asserted, knowing that no one could promise what she was asking for in response to what she would say, but only that to hear it would make her feel better.

"Ok I promise." Lucas assured her, but she knew this would be far from easy nonetheless.

"I was dreaming about the day I left and…when you said I do to Lindsey." Lucas now looked worried and only his promise and determination seemed to keep him from turning away. "You said our love was forever and you still wanted to marry her after…after I told you I still loved you."

There it was, all out in the open and everything that was so perfect could be ruined, simply ruined by all the doubt that still existed between them whenever Peyton thought of that day. Lucas looked hurt, shocked and stung by the topic of conversation, but did not shy away. Slowly he walked towards Peyton, stopping in front of her and taking her hands gently into his. Peyton waited eagerly for his explanation, hoping that she had not asked for too much.

* * *

Lucas could see the pain in her eyes, all those years of doubt and fear, hating himself that his actions had ever caused her to doubt his love. It was a memory, seeing her face this way, seeing it that day she had told him she would let go in the gym and seeing it the day he had left town when they were just sixteen that he never wanted to repeat. It was one that had already been repeated too many times already and that he had caused.

"Peyton" he said staring deeply into her green eyes, losing himself for a moment while his mind weaved his thoughts together coherently. This was one of those times he knew could define the rest of his life.

"Peyton I have never stopped loving you, not for one second, not since the first time we fell in love. I wrote that word 'forever' and I meant it with all my heart. That day you said 'no' in the hotel room." He realised that had caused a sharp look from her. "'Someday'" he corrected himself. "That day, my heart shut down completely and I still loved you, I felt like I would die without you, but I believed you would never love me the same way. I left and I waited, I waited a year and I know you showed up, but I didn't know so I tried to move on. I loved Lindsey, loved her and was happy to spend my life with her, because even after you told me you still loved me I couldn't get myself to believe that I was that lucky. I was scared Peyton, scared to death that you could turn me down again and I didn't think I would live through it a second time. I loved Lindsey, but after you left town again I could barely function. And maybe it's too late; maybe you'll hear this and think it's not enough. I know you deserve more, but I realised that I'd take whatever you could ever give me, because my life doesn't mean anything without you in it."

Lucas knew that that was possibly the most he had ever said at one time and the words had flowed as if they had been buried deep, waiting for years for their chance to get out. Peyton had stood motionless the entire time, staring intently into his eyes. The wait for her response was agonising, every second seeming to last a year. Lucas felt that there was so much more he had left to say, there were just no words to express how he had felt for her all these years, desperately hoping for her return but not even daring to dream of it. Now here she was stood in front of him after the most perfect day of their lives and he knew there was a chance that he had ruined it; ruined it with the wrong words, ruined it that day in church and ruined it that day in the hotel room.

Tears welled up in Peyton's eyes as Lucas continued to wait. Her expression was hard to read, as a solitary tear trickled down her cheek. Lucas found the urge to wipe it away automatic as he caressed her cheek gently, the seconds ticking by. The sight of her stood here, just to look into here eyes, if she never answered he knew it would be alright as long as they never had to move from this spot.

"Ask me now." The words were almost a whisper leaving Lucas confused, but almost without enough daring to hope they meant what he thought they might.

"Ask what?" He questioned, needing to be sure.

"You know the question." She replied, her tear filled eyes looking hazily into his with only a look of hopefulness there that warmed Lucas' heart.

* * *

Lucas' words were of such utter perfection and grace that they had swept her away. Peyton had only dreamed of an answer so perfect, one that would let her accept that day and move past it completely. A ghost of her past seemed to be exorcised and all the wanted now was to have every minute left of her life to spend with him, to be married the way they always should have been.

"Ask me now." Were the only words she could manage, hoping that Lucas was ready and hoping she was not pushing him too far, only feeling in her heart that this was what they both now wanted.

"Ask what?" Lucas questioned, leaving Peyton doubting herself, but determined to make her intent known.

"You know the question." She asserted. Lucas' did not seem shocked, only completely relieved and satisfied by her answer, in a way she had not seen in a long time.

It seemed to take no time at all, as he dropped to one knee, with Peyton still sat on a stool in the kitchen. For all the places, great hotel rooms or romantic settings in movies; this was all she had ever wanted for them both, to be happy.

Lucas looked up into her eyes, taking her hand. "Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer will you marry me?"

Almost without thought she leapt down from the stool and landed on him bringing them both crashing to the floor. "Yes!" She shouted with delight, unable to contain herself, as she wrapped her arms around him, trying to restrain herself as she kissed every part of his face. "Yes Lucas Eugene Scott I will marry you."

He looked deeply back into her eyes, those perfect blues making her heart skip a beat, the look of contentment and delight enough to sustain her forever as he pulled her in so they could kiss one more time, sharing what they both knew could be the happiest time of their lives so far.


	10. Chapter 10: Regret

A/N: So this is the last chapter for the next two weeks. I'd love to write more, but I'm going on vacation so I'll be away and busy until I get back. It was difficult to get this done, but I managed, so I hope you all enjoy it :). As always, thank you to everyone for the reviews I have received so far. They have been very helpful and while reviews aren't essential to me I do enjoy getting them and they do motivate me to write more and help me to fix things.

**Chapter 10: Can a Life be lived Without Regret?**

Peyton drove away in her Comet, her old car that was only just out of storage and despite everything allowed herself a smile. The day had not gone as planned, but the memories in this car always left her without a reason to be sad. It only seemed a shame to her that Brooke could not accept her engagement to Lucas.

"Don't you think it's too soon Peyton with everything you've both been through?" She had asked harshly.

"No Brooke, we're happy and we're tired of waiting. Stuff always seems to get in the way and this is always how it should have been for a long time." Peyton replied, trying to keep her mood in check and not snap.

"If you're meant to be together then you can wait." Brooke's words only annoyed Peyton, but she could see the truth to them.

"Maybe you're right Brooke but we're happy together and I know Lucas is who I want to spend my life with. Can't you just be happy for us?" Peyton asked, hoping that Brooke would finally let up.

"I'll be happy for you when this lasts Peyton, you and Lucas, you're always happy until you're not anymore. The last time you left, it nearly killed him." Brooke's look was now dark and Peyton could tell that all was not quite yet forgiven.

"Brooke you know that wasn't all my fault and I said I'm sorry. How many times can I say it?" Brooke's blaming her was starting to irritate and Peyton wondered if even coming here was a good idea.

"I know Peyton, but it doesn't change anything. If anything goes wrong, both of you are gonna get hurt again."

"It was a mistake coming here. I knew you couldn't just be happy for us." Peyton's patience at that point had finally snapped.

As she continued to drive away Peyton regretted that things had gone so badly, feeling that maybe Brooke had some valid points. For once thought all she had wanted was for he best friend to be happy for her and she had been unable to give her that, even for a moment before raising her questions. Peyton knew that going back to Lucas and telling him how things had gone would not be easy. This morning he was so happy and optimistic about telling everyone.

* * *

Lucas headed back to see Peyton, disappointment clouding his thoughts as he tried to work out how the smile he had worn so happily this morning had disappeared. Telling Nathan and Haley should have been the easiest thing in the world, especially since he had began to patch things up with Nathan.

Nathan's reaction to the revelations about that night on the rooftop with Dan were not exactly one of elation, but he had accepted Lucas' explanation with good grace, knowing that with what Haley had told him that Lucas had played a vital role in saving her life. Lucas knew that it would only be a matter of time before the wounds between them healed. Nathan was still just trying to work everything out and he had asked for time. Lucas though had been unable to hide his happiness at being told he would be allowed to see Jamie again.

Even Haley's reaction had not been the one Lucas had hope for. "Oh" was her first response and she looked at him blankly, almost as if she was searching for the right criticism. "Isn't that a bit rushed after all these years?" She finally managed to ask.

"Luke man that's crazy and I thought you were finally getting everything together." Nathan had stated darkly before walking out.

Lucas could only look on as his brother left the room. This reaction was his worst nightmare and yet he could believe it had happened, only because it seemed like nothing could ever be perfect for too long.

"We're happy Hales. All these years we've been stuck unhappy and waiting for each other and now we're happy. We just want to be together now." Lucas' words were just asking for one person to be happy as he looked into Haley's eyes.

She sighed "As long as you're happy I'm happy Lucas. Don't worry about Nathan; he's still got a lot to think about."

Lucas felt like he could breathe again hearing his best friend be happy for him. "Thanks, I'm going home to my fiancé." He smiled and Haley smiled back.

It should have been easier than that to tell them, but Lucas was just grateful that Haley was at least somewhat accepting. Telling Peyton about their reaction would be hard, but he felt that at least Brooke would have cheered Peyton up. If nothing else it did not matter what anyone else thought, because he knew that once he saw Peyton's face again he would immediately be grateful that they were both back in each other's lives.

* * *

Brooke felt terrible since Peyton had left, unable to decide why she had given her such a hard time. In truth she was more than happy for Lucas and Peyton, but she was worried for both of them. They had both been through such despair the last time they had hurt each other and it was one of the hardest things she had ever had to see, her best friends crumbling before her eyes.

Picking up the phone to call her Brooke hesitated, wondering what she would say. For so long she had been bitter about Peyton leaving, but now again she felt the need to have her best friend back in her life. Brooke knew she needed to curb her own bitterness and let it go. As long as Lucas and Peyton were both happy, she knew that not she could find it in herself to be happy for them too. It was down to them now to make sure they no longer hurt each other.

Feeling her stomach grumble, she could now smell breakfast cooking in the kitchen and smiled at the thought of having someone here to do that for her.

"Brooke breakfast's ready." He called brightly.

"I'll be there in a minute honey." She replied excitedly, jumping out of bed and readying herself for the day, feeling so happy to have Owen staying here with her.

* * *

Pulling up, Peyton couldn't wait to get out of her car and rush to see Lucas again, knowing the sight of him would erase the doubts now planted in her mind. They were getting married fast and she had asked Lucas to propose. It was her idea and at the time Peyton had been sure it was a good one, but never did she imagine the negative sentiment that would be felt towards their engagement from her best friend of all people. Brooke was still angry and Peyton knew that it could just be that that was making her so negative about things.

Running eagerly to the door, the key seemed to take eternity to turn and her face lit up as she saw Lucas in his apartment making coffee. "Hey" Peyton said brightly, smiling at her soon to be husband. The gloomy look that was quickly replaced by a smile though failed to fool her. Lucas was obviously upset about something.

"Hey" He replied, but the enthusiasm of yesterday seemed to be gone.

"Luke what's wrong?" She asked, but the look he gave as soon as her words out was answer enough. "Did they take it that badly?"

"It's…well…Haley was ok with it, but Nathan was angry." Lucas struggled to get his words out and Peyton knew he was disappointed. In truth the news was a hammer blow to her confidence too. "At least Brooke will be happy for us though." He then said optimistically.

Peyton felt as though her breath was being taken from her. No one was supporting them, it seemed that the rest of their world no longer wanted them together and it was a thought that crushed her. She considered if all the people she trusted so much in the world could really be so wrong.

"Luke…I…No Brooke isn't happy. She pretty much told me how stupid we were being. Maybe she's…"

"Don't finish that Peyton" Lucas interrupted; now looking angered. "We're happy and that's all that matters."

"But maybe they're right Luke, if we're really so happy we could wait. We don't have to rush." The doubts were now piling up higher and higher as Peyton struggled for a coherent thought.

"No Peyton. Don't say that. I can't do this again." Lucas snapped angrily.

"What…What are you saying?" Peyton asked, now confused by how angered Lucas had become.

"Too much has got in the way Peyton and I won't do this again, if we're not going to do this then just tell me now." Peyton had never seen Lucas look so hurt or upset, but there was a spark of ultimatum in his words that would not allow her to leave it unquestioned.

"I'm not sure, this is all so fast. I want to marry you, but I just don't want to rush it. Is that so hard to understand? If this is forever then we have as long as we want." Peyton could see the bad turn this was all taking, the hint of a plea now entering her tone.

"No Peyton, it always seems like there's time, but at a certain point it's now or never. So which is it?" Lucas' words struck like a dagger, so forceful and harsh. Peyton could barely believe her ears.

"I can't talk to you when you're like this I'm leaving." She snapped angrily, heading for the door. Desperation was now overtaking her as the need to leave grew by the second. All Peyton wanted was time to slow down and think after all the mayhem of their lives and Lucas was now taking that from her.

"Peyton" he called, causing her to stop and turn back. "If you leave, don't come back this time, don't ever come back." His words were so angered and the look in his eyes told her they were over. All Peyton could think of was the need to run, the need to get away from his face and everything else. Never had she seen Lucas speak to her with such harsh raw emotion and yet she was angry that he no longer seemed to have any patience left to give her. This time they were over and there was no turning back, all that had been so perfect this morning was so destroyed now.

* * *

Peyton rushed to her car, already feeling the tears streaking down her cheeks. Getting in all she could think of was desperately speeding away from here and back to her own apartment. Nothing had ever made her feel like this in her life, not in all her time in prison had she wanted to curl up and die like she did at the moment. There was only ever one person who could have this affect on her and that person was Lucas. Her ipod shuffled to the next song and only caused her more pain.

"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.  
So won't you kill me?  
So I die happy.  
My heart is yours to fill or burst,  
to break or bury, or wear as jewellery.  
Whichever you prefer."

The lyrics only cut deeper as she heard them, realising that she was crazy. Peyton knew that her heart would always be Lucas' to fill or burst, no matter what passed between them. It had been that way ever since this song had played and they had first locked eyes. Lucas was being selfish, but Peyton was being stupid and she knew it. If they were going to be together forever it didn't matter if they got married in five minutes or five years, as long as they were both together nothing else mattered.

Turning the car around, Peyton frantically headed back to the Lucas' apartment, hoping that there was still time for this all too work out.

"Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember.  
Always remember the sound of the stereo.  
The dim of the soft lights.  
The scent of your hair, that you twirled in your fingers.  
And the time on the clock, when we realized "It's so late!""

The words of the song were grating now, leaving too much remembrance as thoughts of how this might not all worked out filled her head. Hearing "Hands Down" was no longer something Peyton wanted right now, or would want again till things with Lucas were all right again. Reaching down she pressed to change the track, shuffling to some old school hip hop that would never jog those memories that were both amazing and difficult at the same time.

Too late she realised that the car had swerved a little to the right as she looked up. The parked car was getting closer at too fast of a rate and Peyton looked on in horror realising in the split second that followed there was almost nothing she could do. Swerving quickly to the left she avoided the full collision but clipped the back of the small sedan.

The right side of the Comet lifted sending the car into the air as it turned over. Peyton shaken realised she was upside down as she saw through the windscreen the ground heading back towards her. She could barely feel or hear the crunch, before blackness descended. The Comet lay in pieces upside down on the ground, with an unconscious Peyton Sawyer left equally as damaged and broken.

* * *

Lucas stared at the name on his contact list again. "Peyton" he mouthed wordlessly to himself over and over. He realised now that he had been so completely selfish. Everything in their lives had been crazy for so long and if Peyton wanted to wait he would wait. Every time he thought of losing her it was like a red mist descended and he could no longer control himself. It was something that made him a person he did not want to be. It was the same thing he had succumbed to in the hotel room the first time he had proposed.

Lucas knew that it was something he needed to stop, but these last years had been so hard without her and he felt the truth in his words. He could never go through losing her again, yet once again he had pushed her away. Lucas looked at his phone again and pressed the button to call. There had to be something he could say that would make her forgive him. That last look on her face was something that could never be the last time he saw her. If Peyton wanted to wait fifty years, Lucas knew now that that was how long he would wait. Peyton was right; being together was the most important thing, not words, or rings and pieces of paper.

He called for hours, but there was no reply and a wave of desperation began to descend. Perhaps Peyton would never take his calls again. Lucas grew frustrated and was determined to let her know he was wrong. Grabbing his keys he headed for the door, but before he could reach it his phone rang. At the sound his heart leapt, hoping against hope that Peyton had called back, but as he looked at the called ID he became confused, wondering why Peyton's father Larry would be calling him.

"Hey Larry" Lucas answered, still feeling confused.

"Hey Lucas" Larry's words sounded choked up. "I'm afraid I've got some bad news."

"What? What's wrong Larry?" The momentary silence seemed like a lifetime for Lucas as he waited for the reply.

"Its Peyton son, she's been in an accident. We're at the hospital now." Larry sounded devastated and Lucas could barely contain himself.

Suddenly he couldn't breathe as a million frantic questions rushed around his head. "Is she ok? What happened? Can I see her?"

"She flipped her car on the edge of town, it's pretty bad. She's still unconscious. The doctors…" Larry's words tailed off and Lucas could hear the sob down the phone. "…The doctors don't know if she's going to wake up."

Lucas felt the phone drop from his hands as he collapsed to the floor. Peyton might never wake up and this was his fault. That last look on her face and the words he had used would haunt him forever. He loved her so much that his chest felt crushed and his brain felt like it would explode. If Peyton didn't live Lucas' knew that he no longer wanted to either, but for now we would hold onto the only hope he had left. If it meant sitting by her hospital bed forever that's where he would be until Peyton woke up.

A/N: Ok so you probably all want to kill me right now for the way I've left this, but when I get back and write the next chapter, stuff will work out. Everyone is just going to need to be a little patient I guess lol.


	11. Chapter 11: Waking Dreams

A/N: Ok so I know I said I'd only be taking a couple of weeks for a break while I was on vacation. That really was what I intended, but when I came back I just didn't have any ideas. I didn't really want to write if it wasn't going to be good, so I just waited a while. I'm trying something a little different for me here and working my way through the stuff that happened in chapter 10, trying to make everything work in a satisfactory way. After this I hope to be updating regularly again. As always any reviews and comments are much appreciated, and many thanks to all the people who have left me reviews so far. Reviews aren't essential, but they do help me to shape the story and fix any faults. Anyways, enough rambling, hope you enjoy the chapter :).

**Chapter 11: Waking Dreams of the Afterlife**

Lucas looked down slowly at the page and continued to read, hoping that any words would get through. The next passage was one of his favourites and he sighed heavily before continuing to read.

"There was such a beauty in the courage to overcoming tragedy, as strength radiated outward every time I caught sight of her. It was just one of many qualities that immediately drew me to her. I don't think I ever fully realised the impact of what happened the first time I spoke to her until years later. Only now, in a single moment, where the rest of the world faded out, could I acknowledge that in my heart I had known we would always be together in some way, even in times when we were apart." Lucas sighed heavily, finishing the passage and hoping that his words would reach her somehow.

"I still remember the first time I ever wrote those words and they're as true now as they were then. I need you Peyton. I love you. Please wake up." So much regret had built up within him and he hoped that somehow, even as Peyton lay still unconscious in her hospital bed that he could let her know just how sorry he was.

Hearing the sound of footsteps, Lucas turned around to see Nathan and Haley enter the room. They were the last two people he wanted to see right now, people who had filled him with doubts and caused him to question things when it had been the first time he had been truly happy in years. They had not wanted to see Peyton back in his life and now they were here. It felt like some kind of guilt ridden hypocrisy that he was not in the mood to entertain.

"Lucas is she…did the doctors say if she would wake up?" Haley asked, looking shocked to see Peyton's condition.

"Do you care if she does?" Lucas snapped in irritation.

"Lucas of course I do. How can you ask that?" Her tone was one of hurt, but Lucas could not feel any regret, only pain and anguish.

"Can you just leave?" Lucas said quietly, no longer having the energy to raise his voice. All he wanted was to be left to sit here, sit waiting until Peyton woke up as he knew she had to.

* * *

Peyton felt the images of her car turning over flashing through her head. It seemed fate was on her side, as she felt no pain whatsoever despite finding herself upside down in her now destroyed Comet. Crawling through the gap left by the window she made her way out onto the road.

Looking back at her now mangled car, she wondered if it had now officially died, but mainly felt relief in knowing that she had come off better. Suddenly a familiar voice behind her caught her attention and almost knocked her off her feet in shock.

"You're not as lucky as you think" the all too familiar voice said quietly. The sounds left Peyton considering if she had hit her head. It was an impossible voice to hear and turning round quickly, she saw to her relief that nobody was there. She could content herself with not quite being all the way crazy.

Peyton knew that she had to call Lucas and the police so this mess could be sorted out. Reaching for her phone she saw that it not only had no signal, but also seemed to be lifeless in her hand and refused to switch on. Turning around ready to throw it at her car in frustration she was greeted by her sight that stopped her in her tracks, as the phone fell from her hand.

"Mom" Peyton's voice was barely audible as her mouth formed the words. The woman stood before her, the very same one she had not seen since she had been eight years old. Peyton now knew she must be going crazy. Sane people did not see and have conversations with dead relatives.

"Yes Peyton, it's me." There were tears in her mothers eyes as she spoke, but she smiled and Peyton felt her heart warm at the sight, momentarily distracted from the craziness she now found herself in.

"But you…you can't be here. I'm going crazy." Peyton found herself now irritated, the idea of a padded cell or being like a crazy version of the boy from Sixth Sense was not appealing.

"No Peyton. You're not crazy. Look at the car again." Her mother said sympathetically.

"I can't see anything." Peyton said dismissively.

"Look closer." Her mother assured her.

As Peyton looked more closely into her car, the sight struck her like a hammer and she fell back off her feet. Her own body lay still, crumpled in the car as she looked at it from the outside.

"Am I…Am I…" The word caught in her throat as she could not believe it. "…dead?"

"That Peyton is up to you." Her mother stated firmly, but with a warm look in her eyes. At this point it was all that could keep Peyton from feeling completely lost.

* * *

Brooke was driving in the wrong direction when the phone call came. Pushing the button to answer the call, never did she realise the impact the words "Peyton's hurt" would have on her. Frantically she had turned the car around and driven back to Tree Hill, hoping that Peyton would be in better condition when she arrived. Now as Brooke walked through the hospital corridors that were all too familiar, she felt a strange sense of foreboding as she approached the room.

Her pessimism was justified the moment she entered. Lucas sat crouched over Peyton's bed looking distraught and she did not look as if she was in good shape. Cuts and bruises covered her face, and there was a sense that the electronics were all that kept her alive.

"Lucas" Brooke said tentatively. Lucas seemed unaware for a moment before turning around slowly to look at her. A few seconds more passed before he could come up with a response.

"Go away Brooke." He stated in a hoarse tone that suggested he had been sat there for hours.

"Lucas I…" She found herself unable to find the right words to say to him, but before she had time to think he cut her off.

"Just get out Brooke you killed her." He snapped viciously.

"What?" Brooke found herself questioning, knowing that Lucas was hurting but still unable to comprehend what he was saying.

"You all killed her, you and Nathan and Haley. You couldn't just be supportive and because of you, she couldn't take it anymore." Lucas' voice was tinged with frenzied madness as he began to sob, holding Peyton's hand and resting his head gently against it.

Brooke found herself despite his outburst, moving towards him, such was the hurt she could see from him. "I'm sorry Luke; we all just wanted the best for both of you." She stated sadly.

"I know." Lucas responded in a breathy whisper. "I'm the one who killed her." He finished, struggling to even hold himself up on his chair. The sight of him like this was hard to bear. Brooke had seen Lucas try to live his life without Peyton these past few years and there was always something missing. Now though after all this, she doubted that this was something he could come back from if Peyton did not wake up.

"Lucas you know that's not true." Brooke stated, still a little confused by his statement.

"I told her if she left, not to come back this time and to never come back. It's all my fault Brooke." Brooke now found herself holding Lucas, propping him up as he cried in her arms.

"It's not your fault Luke; it's not your fault." There seemed to be nothing else to say until Lucas could snap himself of this state. "Peyton loved you with all her heart and she wouldn't want to see you like this. She needs you now."

With that Lucas seemed to once again gain control of himself, as he wiped the tears from his eyes. "I'll be here Peyton; whenever you're ready I'll be here." He stated firmly. Brooke then saw Nathan and Haley enter the room tentatively, obviously hoping not to disturb Lucas at a bad time.

Lucas looked up at them as they entered. "I'm sorry I never…"

"Don't apologise Luke, we'll be here for you." Haley said warmly, bringing a teary eyed weary smile from Lucas.

* * *

Peyton found herself suddenly feeling conscious, stood in a classroom of high school students, wondering why she was suddenly back at Tree Hill high. "Don't worry…" A voice from behind her said, causing her to jump "…they can't see you."

"This is too weird, what are we doing here mom?" Peyton said, still struck by the site before her and confused at the entire situation she now found herself in. Yet there was a sense of belonging in being anywhere with her mom, a feeling she had only felt with very few other people.

"You're wondering if you should go back or if you should take the way out and give up on fighting. I'm just here to better show you your options." Her mother stated plainly. Even as a child Peyton remembered Anna's firm but sensitive way of guiding her in the right direction and now it brought her a certain sense of comfort.

"I'm tired of fighting. I'm always fighting." Peyton stated darkly.

"You should feel lucky to always have something to fight for. Now watch." Her mother said sternly.

The scene before Peyton suddenly took on a sense of familiarity and she was struck by the sight of Lucas, Nathan and herself sat in the class. It was a day she remembered well, one in which she had felt disappointment at how she had acted. She saw herself when asked to describe Lucas in one word, describe him as a "choke." Only now did she see the hurt on his face as the words left her mouth.

"Why would you show me this?" She snapped darkly to her mother. "It's an awful moment."

"Don't you see Peyton? You want to know what you have to go back to. All you have to do is look at his reaction to that word, the hurt he felt. Even then there was a connection between you two. I felt it, I don't think there's anyone where I am, who didn't feel it." Her mother finished, smiling warmly. "Take my hand. I have lots more to show you."

Moments from her past seemed to appear before her and were as vivid as the day she had lived them. Peyton saw and felt so many things that reminded her of all the great moments in her life. The time she had built a snow fort with Brooke, the day she had her first real kiss with Lucas and the times she had rested her head on his shoulder. Moments of making music with Haley, of talking to Nathan and coming up with silly ideas to have fun with Brooke.

It seemed that all the great things in her life that could so easily be lost within a swamp of hurt and despair were now coming to light, words now falling into place that were once faded in her memory. "I'll be seeing you." "It's you Peyton." ""Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer will you marry me?" All the words and images now had her head spinning, but spinning in a whirlwind of delight as the scene changed around her. The comet and her crumpled body were once more the sight before her eyes.

"I have to go back." Peyton said determinedly. "I have to go back."

"I thought you might see it my way." Her mother stated happily. Peyton looked up for the first time as she stood in the cold night and suddenly saw all the familiar faces calling to her; Ellie's voice one of the strongest that started to pull her towards it.

"But what about you and Ellie?" Peyton asked sadly, knowing that she had to leave them behind.

"We'll be here waiting when the time is right. You go and enjoy the rest of your life. I'll watch over you." Her mother stepped forward and hugged her tightly. It was a hug she had longed to experience again for the past eighteen years and she was determined to savour it. Too soon it seemed she was being pulled away as she desperately tried to cling on for just a few more seconds.

Words started to drift lightly into her consciousness, as if someone had been speaking to her all this time, but she could not quite comprehend all that had been said. One part though seemed to crystallize and become clear in her mind, as the feeling of her mothers presence drifted away, another familiar presence strengthened. "I still remember the first time I ever wrote those words and they're as true now as they were then. I need you Peyton. I love you. Please wake up."

* * *

Lucas felt a sudden pull at his hand and struggled to wake himself from the daze he had found himself in. A few seconds passed as he felt it again, suddenly struggling and not daring to hope that the feeling was what he thought it could be. Peyton's hand was moving against his, struggling to grasp it.

"Peyton?" He asked softly, hoping for any response, praying that this was not some awful dream, in which things were not as real as they seemed. Then he felt it again, her grip tightening around his hand, a sure sign that this had been no fluke. Lucas felt himself daring to dream of the impossible, seeing Peyton's eyelids gently flutter, then close again. A few more seconds passed and nothing happened, leaving Lucas unsure of quite what to do next, wondering if he should get a doctor, or wait just a little longer to see if anything more would happen.

Finally deciding he had to get the doctor, Lucas rose to leave. Suddenly he felt a tug at his hand as the grip tightened once again. He turned sharply back to Peyton, watching her intently, as once more her eyelids fluttered, but this time slowly began to open. Seconds that were like hours seemed to pass as her eyes opened. It was at this moment the most beautiful sight Lucas had ever witnessed. Her eyes now opened fully to look intently upon him.

* * *

Peyton could feel her awareness coming back to her and was suddenly aware of a very familiar feeling, the touch of Lucas' hand in hers. Trying to grip she cursed her own weakness as her fingers would barely twitch in his hand as her eyelids barely fluttered to open, but it seemed enough as he responded, only for Peyton to feel herself fading again. It was all she could do to keep herself from drifting back into unconsciousness, as this time she felt her determination to fight peak.

Feeling her consciousness return and her feeling in her hand strengthen, she tried to grip his hand once more as he tried to pull away. The thought of Lucas leaving her now was simply unbearable. With all the strength she could find, Peyton gripped his hand as hard as she could and forced her eyes to open. She could feel Lucas turn back to see her, as her eyes once again struggled to open. This time with all the fight that could be managed they finally opened to see the fight was all worth it. Lucas was stood before her, smiling brightly. In one struggling breath, Peyton found the words she needed.

"I love you too Lucas."


	12. Chapter 12: It Means Nothing Part 1

A/N: I'm trying something new in the next two chapters and changing the POV to first person. It's just an experiment and something I wanted to do to because I felt it was best for this part of the story. So any comments and reviews on it are more than welcome as always. Thanks to everyone who has reviewed my stuff so far. Reviews as always aren't essential, but they do help me out a lot and motivate me to write more. This is "It Means Nothing Part 1" so naturally there'll be a Part 2 and I'm already working on that. Hopefully I'll have it done soon. I know the updates haven't been totally forthcoming, but neither have the ideas and I didn't want to write anything that I didn't think would be my best. Anyway I'll stop rambling, hope you all enjoy it :).

**Chapter 12: It Means Nothing (Part 1)**

Did we lose ourselves again?  
Do we take in what's been said?  
Do we take the time to be  
All the things we said we'd be  
And we bury heads in sand  
But my future's in my hands…

_From "It Means Nothing" by The Stereophonics_

**Lucas**

I awoke this morning to the sound of birds singing, the window open and the sun shining brightly upon my face. In a way this is supposed to be the perfect way to wake up. It should be everything you hope for, as you roll over and see just what you'd like to see before getting out of bed. This morning however, it was not. All I felt when I rolled over was an emptiness; a great gaping black hole where a beating heart should be.

Yesterday I had gone to the hospital with a smile on my face, fully expecting to at last be able to take Peyton home with me. The last few weeks had been hard on her and she had shied away, but now it seemed that we would be complete again; now that we could get away from this place where we had both felt so much pain and loss.

The sight that greeted me came as a shock. Brooke was packing things up and Peyton was nowhere to be found. It seemed surprising to me that I would not be involved in this or that Peyton would not have called me, but I still smiled at first, just happy to know my fiancé would be home soon. I was eager to go and find her.

"Hey Brooke, where's Peyton?" I asked brightly, feeling the corners of my lips twitch upwards into a smile. Brooke's face painted a sad picture, one that already told me her reply would not be too my liking.

"Luke I…I'm sorry, but Haley took Peyton to my place a few hours ago." She replied hesitantly. I felt bemused by this, struggling to understand.

"But why? I thought we were ok." I fired back in disbelief. Why would Peyton not want to see me? I had been here for her during her recovery and it did not seem to make any kind of sense. Then it dawned on me. Every day for the last few weeks it's like I had been blind. Every time I'd said "I love you" and never heard it back in return. Now every memory of every moment like that crushed my heart a little tighter in my chest. The last time I had heard her say those words was the moment she had woken up and never since.

"She didn't want to see you. I don't think she's ready yet. You really hurt her Luke." Brooke finished sadly, but I didn't have the stomach for any comfort, so I quickly turned and left, hearing Brooke's calls after me. For weeks this day was all I had thought about as I tried to get my apartment ready for her return, making sure there would be nothing for her to trip over with her crutches. I had barely taken a moment to rest as I worked on a surprise, something so perfect that it showed how sorry I was and how much I loved her all at once. Now I only hoped I'd get to show her it soon, as I struggled to even walk back to my car.

* * *

A week had passed since Peyton had been released from hospital and from what anyone would tell me, her recovery was going well. Haley, Brooke and even Nathan had so far stopped me from seeing her. It didn't seem to matter what I said or what I tried, they wouldn't allow me through. Perhaps I could have tried harder, but if Peyton didn't want to see me I just didn't have the heart to force it.

I sat in front of my laptop for hours, hoping perhaps that after years of failure with my writing, some inspiration might come of this. Maybe the hurt and the pain was something I needed in order to write again. It seemed every time I produced something of any merit, it was always at the time of greatest tragedy in my life.

I sat for a while and I became blinded staring at the screen. Nothing would come and all I felt around me in anything I tried to do was boredom. Peyton had left this gap, this big gaping chasm of nothingness. I'd felt what it was like to have her with me so completely that without her, nothing seemed to have meaning anymore. It was at this realisation that words started to flow. I didn't even need to think, it was like the words just started to fly. I hadn't felt like this since…since the last time Peyton was so tragically on my mind.

* * *

The phone rang and at first I wanted to ignore it. I just wanted to continue on this path that had given me a few hours of peace at a time. Then a doubt entered my mind. What if Peyton was calling? Quickly I jumped up and dashed to the phone, desperate to hear her voice on the other end, desperate to hear she wanted to come home to me, or even that she would see me. Staying away from her like this was agony, like nothing I had felt in years, or so I had thought.

I answered the phone. It was Haley and immediately I knew something was wrong. I felt it before she even spoke. "Lucas. Peyton's collapsed, please hurry. She's asking for you frantically."

I didn't even think to reply. I dropped the phone on the floor and ran. I don't remember locking the door, but I didn't care if my house was burned to the ground when I came back. All I wanted was to get to Peyton, to see her, to make sure she was ok. Nothing else, not the last few weeks and not any amount of time before or after that moment when I knew she was ok would matter. I got in the car and ran every stop sign and light between my apartment and the hospital. Every worst nightmare that anyone had ever had was running through my mind, but it still could not have prepared me adequately. Nothing could have.

I walked through the hallways in a trance, trying to prepare myself for whatever news the doctors would give. What I saw was Haley, Brooke and Nathan all looking disconsolate. As I got closer I saw Haley look up at me and immediately I knew. She had floods of tears in her eyes and streaming down her cheek as Nathan held her tightly. She shook her head in answer to my questioning look.

Still in disbelief I strode towards them and saw the surgeon come through the doors. I can't say what it was, if it was the way I looked, but he knew who I was. I'd watched this scene in so many movies, read about it in so many books, but nothing about those moments ever really portrayed what this felt like.

I heard the words. "I'm sorry there's nothing we could do. A blood clot…" I heard them, but nothing would sink in. Nothing at all was what I felt, not sadness, not despair, just nothing. It was a numbness and total denial of everything. The world simply could not exist without Peyton Sawyer.

And there it was, just the thought of her name and it all crashed down at once. I felt my knees sag and couldn't hold myself any more. I felt Nathan catch me and hold me up as the tears came in unstoppable torrents. All the time I had wanted to see her face again, it was all I wanted now. So many wonderful times spent with her and maybe this was what life had brought me. I felt like nothing from now on could mean anything like it had before and yet for so long Peyton had given my life more meaning than anyone should ever have the right to feel.

All the time with Peyton, all the great times and now the bad, maybe it was all what life was. Everybody died at some point no matter how good things were. My only regret and one I'll carry forever, is that maybe we could have had more.

* * *

A month had passed since I started staring at that screen looking for inspiration, since my fingers had started tapping away frantically at the keys and now I wish they hadn't. A single tear trickled down my cheek as I realised what I had done. As the weeks built up and I still hadn't seen Peyton, all my fears and anxieties had gotten the best of me. No story should end like the one I had just written. Apparently great stories always have the most tragic of endings, or at the very least are bittersweet. Shakespeare comes to mind, or Hemmingway, but I think I finally started to realise I didn't care if I never got to be considered great. My story did not have to end this way, it didn't have to be as bitter as I had just written it. I felt guilty even imagining a scenario like that for Peyton, for me and for us.

I closed the lid of my laptop and grabbed my coat. Enough was enough and things had to change. My life now was at a crossroads where my next move could determine my future happiness. This past five weeks had seen me more miserable than anyone should have to be. All I wanted to do was see her face again, even for a minute. The thought of things turning out as I had written them, the idea of never seeing her again, it was a fate worse than death.

The engine of my Mustang revved up and I felt ready.

* * *

I arrived at the house and the upstairs light was on. After the long drive I was tired, but there was no way I was leaving without seeing her. It was two in the morning, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to feel guilty, even if I woke up the whole street. The window had to be Peyton's. I only hoped she would be reading, or drawing and not listening to music.

Slowly I got out my car, now struggling to breathe. Did I knock on the door or did I try and get her attention somehow? I decided it might be best to try the window. Picking up some gravel at the side of the road, I aimed for the window, but the impact it made barely produced a sound and there was no reaction. I decided to go for something bigger and picked up a heavier stone. As soon as I threw it I knew it was a mistake, it felt too heavy in my hand.

The stone, or more accurately the large rock smashed against the window. I winced as I expected it to shatter, but then remembered that double glazing was a lot tougher than that. Still it made an almighty crack that echoed in the night air. That was when I heard it, the sound I had longed to hear again for so many weeks.

"What the hell?" Came the shout and the window burst open.

There she was finally, the face I'd have given my life just to see one more time staring down at me. "Lucas?" She called questioningly. All I could do was stare up at her and smile. If nothing else I'd gotten to see her again. I could not have gone on without that, not after the story I'd written. At least my life would end differently, however things turned out now, good or bad.

Peyton seemed to stare at me a long time, taking in what had happened, and then finally a moment came to make my heart leap. She smiled back at me and let out a little giggle; that giggle I always knew meant she was happy.

A/N: Sorry if anyone got enraged a bit while reading that chapter. I knew I wasn't ever going to go where people might have thought that was going, but I wanted to take Lucas to that place emotionally.


	13. Chapter 13: It Means Nothing Part 2

A/N: Sorry for the delay, but anyway, here is part 2 of It Means Nothing, basically Peyton's first person perspective. Hope you enjoy it and feel free to leave a review. I do enjoy getting them and thanks again to everyone who has left one so far. They really do help me progress this story.

**Chapter 13: It Means Nothing (Part 2)**

**Peyton**

"Lucas" I'd called out questioningly. I was shocked to see him at this time of night, but almost unsurprised. This was such a Lucas thing to do and I loved him all the more for it. I saw him smiling up at me and I couldn't resist smiling back, as an embarrassing giggle escaped my lips before I could stop it.

In some ways there was nothing I wanted more than to run to Lucas, wrap my arms around him and kiss him all over, but that was not all that easy. For one I would have to make it down the stairs on my crutches and for another thing I was not sure I was ready.

Lucas was a lot of things, but one thing he had never been was patient. This past five weeks without him had been some of the most difficult of my life, but I was not and I'm still not ready to see him. When I awoke from my coma my initial reaction was one of complete happiness and I told him I loved him. That remains as true now as the first time I said it and it will always be true, but it couldn't stop everything else I was feeling.

As I started the first phase of my recovery there were so many thoughts that hung over me like dark clouds. Every time we seemed to hit a bump Lucas could never just wait. I'd never been given the time to just catch up. Every time I needed that bit of extra time Lucas would react badly. I've never been able to work out whose fault that is. Is it mine for being so commitment phobic? Or is it Lucas's fault for reacting badly every time I show the slightest hesitation. All I knew is that this bitterness had welled up inside me and I needed time to figure it out. Lucas was the man I wanted to marry and I didn't want to ruin it for myself by being bitter or angry. I only hoped this time he could be patient, as patient as he might need to be for me to get those words he had said to me out of my head.

"If you leave, don't come back this time, don't ever come back."

Those words still made me want to curl up and die. I never thought Lucas could be so final. In one sentence he had made me doubt everything we'd ever had. Having seen him since I knew he didn't mean those words at all, but something in me just couldn't forgive him for being able to say them and to hurt me so much. My urge to run away unfortunately had gotten the best of me again.

The one thing I had known this time was that it was not for good. I was standing now smiling down at the man I wanted to marry. I don't know if Lucas will wait this time, but I hope he understands what a victory for me this is. Every time I've run from him it has hurt me badly and this time I only need time to get back on my feet. Seeing his hopeful smile, I only hope he will forgive me for needing my space, only for a little while.

I know it's already been too long and even if I'm not entirely ready I owe him an explanation. I waved and made some pretty crappy hand gestures that I hoped Lucas would understand would mean I would be down to see him.

Hobbling down the stairs on crutches was not easy; one thing was for sure, Lucas had a strange sense of timing. As I swayed down each step bumping off the wall I heard a noise, a noise that meant I had woken Brooke, which was about the last thing I needed right now. She had been so supportive of me these last weeks, but she kept nudging me back towards Lucas, telling me how this was must be hurting him. It made me feel terrible and I feel like the worst person in the world for this, but I know a small part of me felt like he might deserve it and that it couldn't be half of what I'd just been through.

I heard Brooke's door open and on seeing me she immediately called down. "Peyton what are you doing?"

"Lucas is outside and I need to see him." I replied with struggling breaths. Brooke rushed down to help me and I was definitely thankful for that, feeling like I might almost fall down if I had to take one more step.

"Peyton are you sure? It's really late." I could tell Brooke thought I might be delirious or something. There was just that way she had with her slightly patronizing doubtful tone. I did have to admit that I didn't sound completely sane right now as I was panting and struggling down the stairs with her help.

"I just…I don't know if I'm ready, but he looked so happy just to see me, but so hurt." I knew that what I was saying was true. It was almost a sure thing that Lucas was hurting and whatever he looked to be feeling when I saw him was worse than anything I felt now. Even if I wasn't ready it was time to finally see him again. I didn't even know what I would say, but just being next to him seemed like a step forward from this.

"I should have made you see him weeks ago." Brooke said brightly with a little knowing smile. She had been a real trooper looking after me. It was the only bright spot of staying here with her that we could rekindle a friendship that had seemed so far lost for such a long time. Brooke apologized so many times for ever doubting what I had with Lucas and fought his corner, telling me how he sat by my bed every day, barely leaving the hospital at all. I don't know if I'll ever be able to properly express my gratitude for that. I never really blamed her for doubting us. People on the outside never really seemed to understand what I had with Lucas anyway. I think now though, seeing us both hurting so badly these past few weeks she understood it a lot more than she had before.

"Ok I can make it outside from here I think." I said with a rye smile, only hoping what I said was true. Crutches were never a pleasant experience and I would never be sad to see the back of them.

"Go get him tiger." Brooke said now with gathering excitement. It seemed she was determined to watch from the door, but I definitely wasn't going to allow this to be some showcase, so I smiled back at her before pulling the door shut hard, much to Brooke's mock annoyance as she jumped back inside the house.

* * *

As I turned around to walk towards where Lucas had been stood I saw a slightly glazed look on his face. I'd kept him waiting quite a while in what was not the warmest of nights, but there he stood, still waiting patiently for me. After a few moments he seemed to realize I was there and quickly I saw him smile and rush over to see me by the door. I think he was of the opinion that I couldn't walk much further and he was probably right.

It's funny how even the best memories can never quite do anything justice. As I saw him now his smile was brighter, his eyes more brilliantly blue and mesmerizing than ever before. I could see every little line in his face now and every little strand of hair. I knew every little part of him so well, but the memories just could not compare with seeing it now. It definitely made me wonder why I had stayed away from him for so long, but reminded me that this was exactly why I had. I knew I'd be happy to see him and be with him, but I never wanted to carry that bitterness with me into our later lives. I wanted it to be gone, because above all else we both deserved better than that.

"Peyton I…I just had to see you." I could see the struggle in his face as he said it. There was nothing but genuine hurt in what he said, but he quickly tried to mask it again with a smile. I really didn't know what to say, but I felt like this had all gone on too long.

"I'm so sorry Luke. I shouldn't have kept you away. I just needed time." I was expecting the reaction that this had always caused in Lucas, but this time all I saw was an understanding I had longed for.

"It's ok. I said awful things to you that night and I've never waited for you, not like you deserved. I want you to know that this time if it takes forever I'll be here. I want to marry you Peyton Sawyer and nothing else will ever do."

I was left completely speechless and almost breathless. Lucas always had a way with words, but there was so much more behind that. There was almost a defeated acceptance that he would be and somehow deserved to be waiting a long time. I just stood there stunned and it seemed he took that as a sign that he should go. Slowly he leaned down and kissed me on the forehead. The soft caress of his lips there made me long for more; it had always been a special thing between us to kiss each other there.

"Goodbye Peyton" And Lucas was walking away. My head was swimming with so many thoughts. It took forever for me to even consider what I could or should do next, almost too long.

Before Lucas could close his car door I did the only thing I could think of, without knowing what I wanted to happen next.

"Lucas wait!" Instantly he responded to my shout, but with an unsure look that suggested he didn't dare to hope for anything. I wanted to go to him and as fast as I could I hobbled over to his car. It was almost too far as I began to fall. The ground was coming towards me all too quickly and it could be a move I would be regretting for weeks.

Before I hit the ground I felt the warm sensation of arms around me, catching me and pulling me away from the rapidly advancing tarmac. Suddenly we were so close. I could feel the warmth of him against me and his face was now only inches from mine. I didn't want to be away from him any longer. I threw my arms around him and kissed every part of him I could reach, forehead, cheeks, lips, neck and even his arms. I never realized how much I could miss one person until now.

"Let's never leave each other again" were the only words I could get out between ragged breaths. Lucas' almost looked confused, but in a daze of unexpected happiness and to see that genuine smile back on his face made me happier than anything else.

"There's nothing more I could want Peyton. Are you sure? Because I meant what I said, I'll wait for you as long as it takes."

"That's all I've ever wanted to hear for so long." Almost before I could finish Lucas' mouth was covering mine, kissing me with what I could feel was a newfound delight. There's something very special about being kissed, but not just any kisses and these were the kind that made you wish the bedroom were just a little closer.

"Are you feeling okay?" Lucas asked as we broke from our embrace.

"Yeah I never felt better." I replied with a grin, but there was something in Lucas' look that told me he was up to something.

"Take a drive with me." His smile now resembled that of an overly excited schoolboy, but it had me curious.

"Okay" I replied with a slightly bemused look, as Lucas eagerly came to help me into the car.

* * *

After we'd been driving a little while Lucas had pulled over and reached for something in the back of the car; finally finding a t-shirt that didn't smell all that fresh he told me I had to be blindfolded, because he had a surprise. I'd never thought of Lucas as being particularly kinky so I doubted it was anything perverse. I was however completely confused. After a doubtful look as he started tying the blindfold I decided to just go with it. Lucas could certainly be a romantic, so I was sure that I would be happy to see whatever he showed me.

After the car finally stopped I was led out and could hear the sounds of what felt like a garage door opening. Anything I had dared to hope for would not have prepared me for what I saw next.

"Now I wanted to wait a little longer and it's not totally finished yet, but give me a few more weeks and she'll be right as rain." Lucas stated excitedly.

"Can I take this off then?" I asked now dying to see what he'd done.

"Just a second…" I could hear the sound of something I couldn't quite make out. "…Ok now you can look." He finished, still with that boyish excitement in his voice.

As I pulled off the stinky shirt covering my eyes I was greeted by the most beautiful thing I ever saw. My Comet, my car that held so many happy memories and so many of our happy memories stood before me like some miracle.

I dropped my crutches and jumped on Lucas hugging him so tightly I actually felt him struggle to breath momentarily. "But…but I thought…they said it was destroyed."

Lucas winced a little as he nodded. "It was, I tried to get a few pieces that were left, but this is a different comet. I'm sorry Peyton, I know it'll never be the same car that you had for so long or that held so many memories for us."

The car still had some work to be done and he was right, it would not be her comet, but it was special in its own right. This was still her comet, the comet Lucas had made just for her, to show her how much he cared.

"Lucas you're right it's not the same car that we had so many great memories in, but it's our car and we're here." I was still leaning against him and I looked deep into his eyes, before I suggestively eyed the back seat. "There's always time for us to make more memories."

Lucas looked confused for a moment before I looked back at him and again at the back seat before comprehension seemed to dawn on him. "Oh" he said shyly, then in a whisked me up into his arms and carrying me to our comet.

And the sun sets in the sky  
You're the apple of my eye  
If the bomb goes off again  
In my brain or on the train  
I hope that I'm with you  
'Cos I wouldn't know what to do  
It means nothing  
It means nothing…

If I haven't got you

_From "It Means Nothing" by The Stereophonics_


	14. Epilogue: A Walking Contradiction

**Epilogue: A Walking Contradiction**

Peyton stared from the kitchen window, holding the contents of the morning's mail delivery. Unopened mail can hold so much possibility, so much disappointment, or just the outright boredom of random advertising specials.

It's been said that no matter what people have they always want more. Apparently it's human nature, but as Peyton looked out to the garden to see her children playing with their father, she felt sure that she could never want for more. Life seemed to have flashed by so quickly since that day she had been released from prison. Even now some days could be a struggle and yet she regretted none of it for it had all lead to what she had now.

As she continued to smile at the sight of her daughter Anna Elizabeth and her son Keith rolling around laughing with Lucas, her fingers began to pry at the envelope. Peyton almost began to laugh at herself, realising that maybe this was as happy as she could be, but a little more never hurt. As always she could consider herself a walking contradiction, albeit a happy one.

* * *

Lucas walked in practically dragging Keith and carrying Anna. The sight of Peyton gradually prying open the piece of mail she had been waiting for was not unexpected. For the past few years all their dreams had seemingly come true and the drama's that any soap opera would be proud of had thankfully subsided.

Pregnancy, especially two in reasonably quick succession had taken its toll on her, even if she had enjoyed every minute. Lucas had become a well respected yet not financially successful author and Peyton often had little time for anything but their family. The one thing that had never stopped was her drawing. It had always been her passion and with persistence and some pushing from him, her artwork had gathered a much warmer response than Lucas knew Peyton would ever dared hope for. Still she pried at the edge of the envelope, achieving a disturbing lack of movement.

"Is that what I think it is?" Lucas asked knowingly.

"I don't know. I…I think so." Peyton responded hesitantly.

"What is it mommy?" Anna asked brightly, just as curious to know everything as ever. It was something Lucas was sure she had inherited from him.

Peyton looked into the curious faces of their children as they stared up at her, but her fingers still refused to move.

* * *

Peyton looked at the expectant faces of her children and her husband. They wanted her to open the envelope, but the weight of her dream seemed to clamp her hands tightly. So long ago she had told herself that this was an area that although she had great passion for, there was a lack of talent that would never quite allow her to fulfil her ambitions.

The music career was something that had given her one of her other dreams, but it was not the same to her as her artwork. Music was always a comfort, something that took the pain away and made life that little bit easier to bear. Peyton still loved music, but there was no longer that sadness that had once filled her heart and that need to be completely alone with her thoughts, or at least it didn't exist quite as often.

Art was a passion and this project she had been fighting for and planning for, was either the opening of an envelope away from existence, or the opening of an envelope away from extinction. They had money, but this was a big project and one that she hoped her business experience would help with in swaying the bank manager. The look on his face however had told her not to be too hopeful of the outcome.

"I can't do it Luke. What if they turn me down? It's all over then." She asked sadly, looking into her husband's eyes for support.

* * *

Lucas looked into his wife's eyes and knew she needed a little push over the edge. Peyton might be happy now, but life had still not quite managed to teach her how to be optimistic about things. This was the last piece of the puzzle for her and one she had worked hard on for over a year. There was a lot of people's money in this project and Lucas knew what it meant to Peyton for her to make this work.

"Come on you can do it. I'm sure it'll be good news anyway." He said in his best hopeful supportive voice.

"Come on mom you can do it." Keith repeated in an almost parrot like fashion. Lucas couldn't help but laugh at little as he rustled Keith's hair.

Peyton seemed to be spurred on by the encouragement and looked back at the envelope for one more second. Suddenly she began tearing it open, destroying the envelope as if it had offended her in some way as she now sort the news that lay within. Lucas looked on in hope, so happy that they could be hear together, chasing their dreams for better or worse. Success or failure they would share this like everything else, together as a family. It was how he had always wanted things to be.

* * *

Peyton now discarding the envelope on the floor as she had violently ripped it to pieces stared at the letter. It took her mind a few seconds just to process the ability to read and stop seeing the print on the letter as anything but a collection of random images.

As the message of the letter became more apparent she began to read aloud, seeing the expectant faces in front of her, every bit as eager as she to hear the news.

"…we are pleased to inform you that your loan application to start the such and such school of art has been approved."

Peyton stopped reading and jumped up into Lucas' arms hugging him as tightly as she could manage. "I'm so proud of you." He mumbled into her shoulder, as she pulled away and kissed him on the forehead. Getting down she felt her Anna and Keith decide to join in and cling to her and Lucas' legs.

If life could be any more complete than this Peyton had her doubts. Lucas and her children would always been enough, but she knew it never hurt to strive for more. Human nature even said so. This was perhaps how Peyton had always wanted to be, perfectly happy, but wanting to achieve more. Her own little rebellion of sorts was still in motion; she could be a walking contradiction and be the happiest woman in the world at the same time.

**A/N: I know this update was a long time coming and I apologise for that. I've been away and distracted by various things. Christmas is always a busy time for everyone. At the same time that is pretty much just an excuse for my chronic case of writers block. Eventually I took the time to read back through the previous chapters and decided the reason for this is that I have no further to take this particular fic. Lucas and Peyton have been to hell and back, have had various dramas and have now come out the other side. Dragging them through it all again would just seem repetitive. Therefore I eventually decided to write a short epilogue just to round the story off nicely and leave things on a good note. I hope you have all enjoyed this fic and soon I hope to start working on a new one. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed my stuff so far and know that it has always been appreciated and still is. The reviews help me to improve my writing and so far have been very important to me. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Enjoy :).**


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